xnintendox's Blog

Sorry
Date: Feb 8th, 2005 10:43:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: headachy


First off... I'm sorry about my last entry. I get thinking... and remembering, and then emotions stir, and you have a not so hapy blog. On a better note though.....

Shaun and I have now been together one month. ^_^

It's kind of weird to say that. It's also kinda pathetic, because so far, this is my longest relationship. Haha. His ex he had been with for over a year! Can you say... WOW?
I feel bad though, because I'mnot sure if I like this realtionship thing right now. The first two weeks was all butterfly filled stumachs, and constant smiles. Now I'm wondering if this is what I want.
I always have a soft spot for boys who can show their emotions, and aren't afraid to do it. Shaun is too much though. I, myself, am usually very... I guess you would say, "Emotional". Which is good... and oh so very bad at times. However, it's who I am. Also though, I am always scared by the "Love/Like" notions. Shaun is very clear about his, and how much he likes me and such. He uses the word "love". Me, being who I am, hates how loosely that word is used.... But I know he only uses it because he doesn't know what elese to describe his feelings towards me. As much as this anoys me at times, it's not a big deal.... However, he has said to me, a number of times, that he hasn't ever felt this way, this much for someone, this "Connected" to someone before. This scares me, because he spent a over a year with his last girlfriend, and he's teling me he hasn't felt this way? What was it he felt for her then?
I know it's silly, but I don't like him feeling so much for me. I don't feel that much for him. Not even close. As much as I hate to say it, I don't even know if I like him as more than a friend right now. But oh well, enough about him. I hate writing blogs about boyfriends. Mainly because there are better things to talk about, and so many people fill their diary with boys, and boyfriends, and girls, and girlfriends, and I personally just have so much more to say, and think about. I just realized.... I'm not sure how much sence I'm making. That's okay.

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep if my life depended on it. I layed there, in my bed, listening to Bright Eyes untill 2:30 am. Then got up at 6:30. Surprisingly though, I was very hyper/outgoing today. Sometimes I hate being so... "Insane" as Avy would say. I remember when I was in my slump... My "down" section. (I dislike the word depressed, because when you are "depressed" you need help) And I guess this isn't the greatest thing to say, but I enjoyed being quiet at times. Being able to disapear. No one would pay any mind to me. Wouldn't even notice I was there. I could just sit there, and listen. I could hear everyones conversations, or just drift off. Into my own world, or stick my head in my book and become a new person. (I still do the book thing though ^_^ )

I am thankful though. So thankful I'm out of that. I have Shaun to thank for that.
I remember Avala crying over me, and a number of other friends. I feel guilty still for doing that to them. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to hurt them. I was just too engulfed by all the darkness and hate and bad in this so called place we call our world.
I remember Julia yelling at me... When I was helping her and Avala do the papers. Boy, I could have killed her that night. She said I needed to get help, and see a shrink and get pills. There was no way in hell I was gunna do that! I mean look now. I am back to my self... mostly. Happy.. ish, and I did it without outside help, and without the help of drugs. It's all your state of mind I think. For me at least it was. I had to see the good in the world. Then, slowly, the more good I saw and felt, the closer I was to get out of the hole I had made for myself.
What can I say... I'm really thankful right now.

Today a stranger sat beside me on the bus. He was kinda freaky. I think it's sad... how we as humans, have come to automatically fear people. If not fear, we suspect things... Bad things, before we do good.

Well, Sorry this entry is mostly remembering again kinda. I may actually update later... saying something actually important.

- [ Sarah ]
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Wishful Thinking...
Date: Feb 8th, 2005 3:31:33 am - Subscribe
Mood: reminiscent


Another update. I know... Two in one day. Yes, I also know I am pathetic.

I'm thinking. Thoughts.. Always running through my head. I swear, normal teenagers don't think as much as I do. You know how hamsters love to run on their wheels, for hours on end? Well the hamster in my head, is like some kinda super natural one, and NEVER stops. Fucking hamsters.-Roles Eyes-

Anyways, As I was saying. I've been thinking. Well, more so remembering I guess you could say. I remember when I was about 5. I would get up so early on Saturday mornings, just so I could watch Mickey Mouse, or Fragle Rock. I remember my feet, yes, they would always be cold. I didn't like slippers. Slippers were anoying... I remember colouring on the ground in my colouring books. I'd get so angry with myself when I'd mess up, and colour out of the lines. I loved those mornings. I remember the morning I woke up and my cat had run away. I remember crying. Sobbing really. It was okay to sob like that when you were little. As you get older... You have to contain yourself to a degree. If I were to say, I haven't sobbed like that since I was little. I'd be lying. A horrable day in November... In 2003. I sobbed like that. Why do we remember such dates? Dates that hurt so much to remember. Dates that when you recall them.. You feel like you're gunna chuck. In a way, I wish we could clear our memory of some things... But at the same time. I think we need to have those memories. Even if they make us want to chuck.

Why is it, that God, takes the lives of people, when they are still needed? I don't see his logic at all. Actually, I don't agree with him alot of the time. Sorry, but honestly, Why the fuck would he take people who still have children to raise? Still have so much to live for?

If anyone knows the answer to that, I will fucking love you forever. 'Cause I sure as hell have no clue why he takes so many lives that still have purposes.

Remember November 8th, 2003. Hurts like a fucking bitch.... and yet I remember it all so clear! I re-play it through my brain so often. Just so I can feel emotion. More like feel my stomach drop, but then the emotion comes... I remember playing twister upstairs with everyone. We were all laughing, and joking. I was happy. Little Rebecca came up and said i had an emergancy phone call.... I thought it was my mom telling me it was late, and I was to be home.
Boy. Was I wrong.
I saw Avala's dad.. David... Minister Moore... Standing there. He looked ill, and somewhat pale. He was standing there... So uneasy looking. Looking like he was about to thow up himself.
Then he told me.
My mother, had just come through the doors of the "Moose" and put down the meatballs she had made for the dinner that was being put on for her friends Birthday party... when she sat down...
She had sat down because she was feeling dizy. Light headed I guess you could say, and then she went. No pain. Non at all. That's the only thing I'm thankful for.
She had an aneurism of the brain. She was gone instantly.
I thought he was lying. Some sick joke. Now that I think about it, I have no clue why the hell I thought he was kidding. It's not like a minister jokes by saying..

" Sarah, I'm sorry to tell you this, But you're mother is dead "

Oh dear God. I feel ill just typing it. Saying it all in my head. I cannoy bring myself to say the word 'dead' outloud. I think I would actually be sick, and throw up.

I remember Mike thinking I was sobbing for my dog. I'm sorry to say this, but I would not sob, over my dogs death, the way I sobbed that night. The way I sobbed, when my cat ran away that morning when I was so young.

I hate remembering, because it hurts.

I want to sleep. I want to go to my utopia. Dreams are what keep me going. Sleeping is what keeps me alive. There is no pain when I sleep. I don't have nightmares. Only dreams of what I wish could be. Of days, when I wake up, and the past year and a bit, has all been a dream itself. And I am home. In my old bed. In my old house. I walk out... And my old cats are there, my old furniture. No smell of smoke like here at my aunts. Just the soft sent of my moms Perfume, and hair products in her hairdressing room. I walk out to the kitchen, and she's home too. Back where we both belong.

I hate waking up from those dreams. I wake up, and it's so hard to believe that it wasn't real. That it was all just my imagination running away. All just wishful thinking. Reality always hits me... like fucking ton of bricks. It's like a gun to my head. The tears come instantaniously, and I have to get up and go to school in such a wreck.

I had to go to my history exam after having one of those dreams. It was hell.

But, enough. I'm sorry... To anyone who reads this entry. If you read this, you have read it all... and I have no clue why you would continue, but what ever. I remember alot.... weather you like it or not. It is what I do.

Goodnight my sweet blog.

- [ Sarah ]
Comments: (5)

First Entry
Date: Feb 7th, 2005 10:58:20 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sleepless


Well hello! First entry, and it's a Monday! how convenient!

Well, I suppose the "blog" thing to do would be to tell my day. Correct? Sure.

Today, I stayed home and slept in until 1:30 pm. I woke up and felt a little ill, and took a graval, and passed right out. That's pretty much been my day.

However, alot has been on my mind. Shaun, my boyfriend has been running through my head quite a bit. I don't know if I want to be only friends with him, or I want to stay in this relationship. What else is new? Oh! John is out of the hospital

Jessica is doing okay aswell. I'm so happy for that. The cancer is very rare, and they say it is very likely that she will be cured. It was fun seeing her again on Saturday. Oh man, Jackie and I stayed up till 6:00 am taking pictures, pigging out on the top bunk. Her computer's so damn hot in a thong Haha, Sorry, inside joke.

Well, I'm going to end this first Blog here. Seeing as it is an pretty long one. Not like anyone will actually read it... Although it'd be pretty fucking rad if someone does. Well, that is all now.

- [ Sarah ] <3
Comments: (7)