You know, it sorta amazes and annoys me at the same time that every time I start a new diary, I find out Marle and Emy already have a diary on the site. I accidentally discovered Becca's blog on the chatterbox, and from there, obviously manuevered my way to Emy's. But, you know what, they aren't gonna find this one. And if they do, oh well. I'm sick of jumping from site to site just to keep them from finding my journal. First, I join LJ, cause they were on there and I thought we were all friends. Then, I move to insane journal, cause I didn't want anyone reading my diary anymore, and because I couldn't shake the feeling that someone had given the link to it to Brett. Which, they had. Then, I stumble onto Marle's IJ, and from there, Emy's, Becca's, Seth's, and even Brett's, which he wrote in once.
So, then, finally, I come here, and what do you know, I do my normal ritual, clicking the last person who posted on the chatterbox, and come to find out it's Becca, and from there, Emy's diary.
It seems as though there aren't many people on this site, so they'll probably find me in no time, especially if Marle is still looking. Which pisses me off in a way, why does she care so much about what I think and say?
Bleh. I just feel like they're trying to turn this whole thing with Brett into the same thing that happened with James, but you know, I'm just not gonna fight with them anymore. Brett will respect me more for it, and besides, if I have to fight for his attention, than why do I need it? Apparently I don't, anyway, because he's been around, you know? He still hangs out with me, and that's all I care about. I could care less who he's with more.
But even though it doesn't piss me off anymore that he's so chummy with Emy, it still hurts just as much as it did in the beginning. It's only been a month. Today is a month exactly, actually, since we broke up. So, yes, it still hurts to see his truck in her driveway. It still hurts to read about them flirting, and it still hurts to know that his mom is so utterly pleased with Emy, in a way that she never would have been with me. It all still hurts.
But then again, I know how Brett feels about me, I've flat out asked, and he's flat out said. I also know who he likes, and it's not Emy. That makes it hurt a little less, just knowing that he's a friend to her, and nothing more (things change though, I have to regretfully admit). I know he's likes someone else. I know enough about her, and he knows what I think about it, wether my opinion matters or not.
I just wish sometimes that he would tell me it's really over, so I could move on, or come back to me so we could be happy together again. I presume the latter will never happen. I'm just so sick of waiting. I'm so sick of the feeling of my heart tearing at every mention of the possibility of us not getting back together. I'm sick of crying. I'm crying now. I just don't want to be so weak. So tired. So unhappy. If he's moving on, I wish he would tell me. I wish he would let me go if that's what he wants to do, because this holding, this pulling, it's horrible. It stings, and it cuts, like a hot knife through butter. I feel like a statue turned to puddy, like anyone or anything could mold me into something I don't want to be, and I can't stop them, because I'm being held so ever still by him.
I just want to know something. I want to know the truth. I'm sick of waiting for the answers.
I'm going to Eric's tomorrow. He wants to take me out, and even though I'm not ready to move on, and honestly not willing, I think I'm going to let him. I deserve to let myself have some fun. Maybe dinner, the movies, and some dancing at Dotts. Who knows.
I was in such a good mood before I got up. I should have just fell asleep happy, but no. I have to be stupid and get online. Damnit.
I'm gonna go read the book Brett got me. Oh yeah..I forgot to write about that. He got me "The Lovely Bones." A book that I've wanted for years. I can't believe he actually remembered, and that he actually went through the trouble of getting it for me. That will most defenitely be the best Christmas present this year by far.
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I gotta quit fucking up or they're gonna fire me. I know I'm knew and they expect me to make some mistakes, but -damn- I locked the safe, I gave a refund on stolen cigarettes, I forgot to take out the milk cartons, my drawer came up $50 short last night, and I forgot to log out tonight. I mean, all of this didn't happen in one night, but it's only been a freaking week!