Archives: July 2007
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yankee Selfish, Rude People - Subscribe
People. Selfish, rude, ignorant people.

I feel sorry for you.

I really do.

You need to grow up, grow out, or die.

I do not care which, but you need to do something.

bitch.

You will catch yourself in a lie you can not undo.

Sucks to be you, don't it.

You will let your selfish ego walk all over those who dare care about you.

I hope I am there to see it.

If you look up from your back, I will be the one laughing.

It is called Karma.

You need to keep running, you are running out of places to hide.

I see the fear in your eyes.

your reign of terror is ending, and no one realizes it more then you.

I am right, aren't I?

What a shame.

I hope that you stop, for your sake, before you reach the end of your leash.

You think you have control.

YOU are a pawn.

Easily desposable.

Don't forget that.

You are the master of nothing.

You intimidate no one but yourself.

Every morning you wake up, I hope you feel the guilt.

Keep putting on your worthless mask.

The more you try to hide from me, the more I enjoy tearing you down.

That makes me selfish.

That makes me no better then you.

But, again, I never said I was better.

I admit what I am.

I am honest with my sins.

Can you say that? Honestly?

I don't believe a word from your cherried mouth.

I see nothing of a soul in your eyes.

Defend yourself in the best way you know how.

I will be okay at the end of this.

I have what it takes to face my demons.

Inside and out.

And I am a coward.

You think you have won the war.

Apperances are deceving.

Don't gloat to much.

I have enough strentgh to let someone else break you down.

I don't mind if it isn't me.

I will try, sure.

But I will be happy either way.

Karma. Bitch.

Step up and pay attention.

Look at my mouth as I say the words.

Feel the ice on them.

you. will. fail.

you will hang yourself.

Ha.

I hope that you step out of the noose before it drops.

Although, I highly doubt it.

You are stupid.

You are selfish.

The two things that have indeed got you far.

Will hang you in the end.

Don't you see?

No one wins the battle you are fighting.

Its a dance with fire.

All are burned.

Stupid, Selfish people do not know when to quit.

One day, you will mistake being stupid, for confidence.

And trust me.

I will be there.

Laughing.

k.



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yankee I'm Going to Miss the Music... Jul 9th, 2007 9:48:11 am - Subscribe
First and foremost, letters with sentiment are not usually my 'thing.' So with that in mind let me start off by saying three vitally important things.

1. I am not writing this for sympathy. If you believe different, please do not waste your time reading this.

2. I am not doing this for drama. Again, if you believe different, do not read the following words.

3. This letter is by NO means my surrender to my body. It is a statement of being realistic, and honest with those I care about. (you all deserve the truth, not the rumors that will ensue...)

Okay. Now that I have that off my chest, for those of you still with me, let me begin.

As most of you know, I have Aplastic Anemia. I have been fighting it for what seems like an eternity. On April 11th, 2007 I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkens Lymphoma. For those of you who may be clueless, it is an aggressive form of Cancer. Because I already had AA, my chances were increased for this type of cancer. After extensive testing, and invasive and undignified procedures, I was informed that the NHL had spread throughout my body at such a rapid rate because my immune system was already low because of my AA.

I hate saying the follow words, but this is what my doctors have told me:

There is nothing that we can do. You will not be able to fight off this cancer that has taken a brutal hold on your body.

I have been told that I have 6 months to a year left.

I know this is shocking, devestating news to anyone, but my family is taking it hard, as am I.

I am writing this because it is the truth, and I will be damned if I do not make my feelings known before I can not control my body, and I slip into oblivion.

Do not waste your time questioning God's wisdom, for you will get nowhere, (trust me.) I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am, in fact not immortal, and I will not live as long as I would like. I am sorry to all who may feel let down, I am not failing you, I am figthing as hard as I can, I am only human and my strength is failing.

I am so tired. Everyday is a struggle for me. I fight and fight and fight, but it is as if I am trying to run through sand. I get nowhere.

I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of dying. I do not know what that will be like, and I hope that by the time it comes, I will be able to deal with it. But then again, how do you prepare for something like that? I know I can not comprehend the feeling of death, because no one lives to tell about it...(ha ha, it was funny and you know it)

I know there are going to be things I will miss.

I am going to miss the rain, the wind, and thunder.

I am going to miss the holidays, anything with my family, and my friends

I am going to miss water, air, even fire.

I am going to miss coffee, ciggarttes, chocolate, and gummi bears.

I am going to miss tears, joy, companship, and hugs.

I am going to miss all you so much. I do not want to leave anyone.

I know that it is weird, but I know I am going to miss the smallest things in life.

Ice Cream, and Diet Coke.

My cellphone and computer.

I will miss my shoes.

Long showers, and great make-up.

Snow.

Sleeping with my feet uncovered.

Pink Floyd ( please, Listen to the Song, 'wish you were here' and think of me.)

SOMEONE, ANYONE go skydiving for me... please??

BUT know this. I will never be truly gone.

I will be that flower that grows where it should not.

I will be the feeling of calm after a storm.

I will be the strength of the weak.

I will be that fleeting emotion of anger.

I will be there at all times, watching and guiding you through the pain, turmoil and depression.

My spirit will live on when the leaves fall, and winter knocks on your door.

I will be the green grass of the fresh spring, the cooling breeze on a summer's night.

Trust me when I say I will be your guiding light.

For those who may be crying at this moment, that is not my intention, but know that I am crying also. Words come easy to me, but there is nothing I can say to ease the pain of this devstating news.

You all know me, and trust me when I say, that I got this... (lol) I will get through this the best way I know how. It may not be the correct way, it may not be normal, but who cares?

My mother states that if anyone can handle this, it is me. God does not give us more then we can handle... Well, I would like to have a talk with him about that!

I only feel depressed and sad when I think about certain things.

My sister graduating. (i love you baby girl, and I am SO proud of you.)

My friends finding love, and building families. ( I will not be there to share the joy)

My dreams.

My Coach Purse addiction.

My father, My mother, My sisters, and my dear friends. (It hurts me to cause you pain)

I have so many questions.

Will I get to paint in Heaven, and will I be able to jump from cloud to cloud?

Will I have wings? (is that not a scary thought....have you seen my driving??)

It is hard to imagine a future without putting myself there.

I want to say so many things, but when I try, I can not. I do not want to die, I want to survive, but God has given me this path, and I must take it for better or worse.

I wanted my father to walk me down the asile.

I wanted to be a mother.

I wanted to tackle a midget in walmart. (actually anywhere, if I could find the damn midget)

I wanted to grow old, share stories of what life was like back when, and preaching at the local children about school being 15 mile uphill both ways, in the pouring rain..

People ask me after they found out what I am going to do in the next year. Honestly? I am going to do what I do now. Live everyday like it is the last. I am going to love hard, play hard, work hard, and be happy with the time I have. What else is there?

I have no regrets. If I could do it all again, I would do the same things I did now. Shocking? Not really.

My mother calls me an 'old soul.'

Fiercely independent, wise and mature by my years, with a heart of gold.

I have had twenty amazing years on this earth. And I have all of you to thank for that. You made me the person I am. I thank you.

I could sit here and say that this is not fair, but I have not right to do that. No one said life was fair, no one garunteed me anything. That is what makes life precious. It is the knowledge that it could be taken away from you any minute, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I only ask certain things from you my loves,

DO not wear black to my funeral. (please...celebrate my life, not my death....have a drink...or five and toast them all to me...) he he

PLEASE do not forget me. I know that I will remember each and everyone of you...

I am including certain people in this note, with a special message for each...

MOM- Please be strong for me, and for yourself. Read my poetry, talk to me each day...I promise I will be listening

DAD- I will ALWAYS be your little girl...nothing can take that away from you

MIRANDA- Be strong little one. Do not mourn my passing. Take the pain you feel and use it as a motivator for the future. You are my mini-me. Do what you can with what you have. Got that UBU?

CASSIE- No civil words spoken between us in a long time...but I am proud of you ambition to get back to school. That takes strength, and I am proud of you.

ASHLEY- It is not fair that our friendship has only really just begun. I wish that the past two years could have been twenty. You have kept me strong with your quiet confidence and steady support.

TRICIA- I would have not made it through highschool without you. I know that sounds childish, but you loved me for who I was, you never judged, just accepted. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I am so sorry about your sister, and I am sorry that our friendship has faded to this point.

MIKE- My first love. You have been my rock, my heart, and my soul.

MATT- Hey Buddy, wassup? Lol. You are a compassionate and caring soul, and for that I will never forget your white ass!!

DAN- I love you. enough said.

CHRISTOPHER- Our friendship was just getting back on track... I am sorry that I must leave you before it is fair. I know you hate emotion, but you know I love you.

KATIE- I will miss our porch sitting, alcohol drinking, pot smoking weekends... p.s. you are a stoner...lol... just playing

MICHELLE- You showed me the way back to God without making me feel like I ever neglected him. I thank you.

To the Rest of MY CLASSMATES-

Thanks for the memories, please, do not talk about me at the reunion...lol...

EVERYONE- Do not cry because I am gone, laugh because you know that I will be in heaven seeing EVERYTHING...and I will be laughing at everything you do!!

I do not think of this as the end. Death is a new begining, another journey to behold, and trust me...Heaven does not know what they are getting into by letting me in! HA!

I would love for everyone to pray for me, and PLEASE, call me. I would love to chat with old friends, new friends and all in between.

I know this was long, I apoligize, but I am making myself come to a conclusion quick. Every night I do not sleep because I feel robbed of time.Hell, I am robbed of time, who am I kidding. I really am going to miss breathing...ha ha... My soul will be free, my heart will be unburdened, and my love for all of you will last forever.

No worries, when my time comes, do not cry a tear for me, I promise you, we will meet again, and since I will have been in Heaven awhile, I can show you the ropes!

Also, if you get to heaven, and you can not find me... I am in Hell, and I am sure I am having a blast!

Life is what we make it. We write what we know, question morality, and take life for granted. I know I did. Hell, I still do. I am still waiting to wake up from this dream, but I have a feeling that this time, I am not going to get that lucky. I think that I have used all of my 'get outta jail free' cards.

Oh Heavens my friends. I guess I better wrap this up before I keep going ang going and going. Thank you for reading, and please support me.

Remember, I am not gone, I am in your hearts, and your memories. I ask you again, do not cry for me. Know that my suffering is past, and I am at peace. I will be okay, you will to. Life goes on no matter how hard we try to stop it. Just enjoy the ride. thats what I am doing. When it is my time, I will have NO regrets, just the sound of laughter and the memories of long past.

I Just Have One Last Question.

Do Angels sing??

I have a feeling I am going to miss the music.


k.
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yankee on open letter. Jul 10th, 2007 9:14:11 am - Subscribe
An open letter:

For those who have been affected in a negative way because of my illness, have my deepest apoligies. I am not trying to hurt anyone, by any means.

I do not know where the fall out came from.

Proof? Just because you haven't recieved it in black and white, doesn't mean it isn't there.

Using the past as an excuse for now does not work with me.

I don't care how tramaitized you were when you were a child.

Sometimes I wish the understanding I need in this matter was there. I don't care about unconditional love, I feel it too. Yet, I can not be in a place where I am looked at in such a harsh light.

So, let me get a few things straight.

I Have always kept my word. Wheather it be money, clothes, rent, emotional involvment, you name it. If I tell you it will be done, it gets done.

I don't fucking care if you didnt ask for the help I gave. If someome needs help, regardless of who they are I do all i can to help.

There are issues coming forth that I did infact expect, yet did not fully prepare for.

I am not a liar.

Again for the fucking morons

I am not a liar.

Two sides to everything, yet only one heard.

Oh, and if I chose to walk away from a situation, instead of meeting it head on, and 'proving' myself, it doesn't mean I am lying about it. duh.

I just do not have the strength needed to fight with you.

If you want proof, your going the wrong way about it,

because bullying does not work. Guilt does not work. Trying to gain my sympathy doesn't work.

So why does everyone keep trying.

Yeah. I am a bitch.

I have to be.

For years, being sick,

getting berated about going to the doctor

and being told it was all in my head

I have had enough.

Your past doesn't affect just you.

You projected YOUR own feelings about your past onto my future.

I do not grasp the concept of calling me names, and telling me what a waste I am.

I have the maturity to keep my comments to myself

Not going half fucking cocked about something you only know heresy about.

I am only 20, and I know better then to blame someone before I have proof.

So, who is actually the waste?

Surely not my family!

They have all lived perfect lives.

HA

sorry, didn't mean to laugh

i just find that funny.

Guess what?

It's your loss. I do not walk back where I am not wanted.

But I do feel sorry for you

I know the truth.

And the morbid thing?

After I die in a short period of time, you will have to survive on the fact that you were wrong, and you robbed both of us of precious time we could have had together.

I could be wrong, you may not feel a thing when I die

But if that is the case,

then the one with the problem isn't me.

Heartless Bastard.

At least when I argue and berate I do it with my voice

you think by not talking to me on the phone, you are sparing anything?

ha

again.

Trust me, I do not hang up, but you won't get the fight you think you will.

My blogs are for me.

If I tell you they aren't about you.

They arent.

I can't make that any clearer.

I wish I could.

Now, the funny thing is, In all of this

I am still wrong.

To all my friends, they describe me as being a nondramatic person.

I guess all of them are wrong, because one person said so.

Thick skulls are hard to penetrate.

I don't blame anyone, but I know that there will be 'response' blogs about journies, strength and survival.

lol.

if you write it enough, you may believe it.

Before I go, let me make one thing clear.

I didn't start this myspace shit.

I haven't talked to anyone enough to get the treatment I did.

This letter is going to piss people off, even though it isn't supposed to.

It is a statement of feelings.

yeah. i have them.

and they are broken again.

No one is a shrink here.

No timeline fits. Stop looking for details that aren't there. You are grasping at straws.

Please..

I am begging you.

I am doing the best I can.

Please..

I wouldn't lie about something like this.

Please..

I have gotten good at looking healthy, because for so many years I was told I was crazy and not sick.

I was, and now its too late for me.

I don't wish to cause any pain.

Im not writing this to get anyone on my side

or to bash anyone at all.

I am just a 20 year old kid

who is faced with the fact that I will never see 21

my sister graduate,

my family be well taken care of.

I am fighting a losing battle.

The truth of how people act when they are doing is different with everyperson the same way anger affects people differently.

There is no set guidline.

I don't want to live my life in a shadow of what some consider a lie.

If I had known how this news would have affected all

I would not have said a word, to spare pain.

I know that I have no right to withhold this to spare pain, you guys can deal with it.

You have a right to know.

I was wrong in that

I am sorry.

I just didn't want to hurt anyone

I realize now, that was the wrong course of action.

I don't know what i am doing

I have never known I was going to die before.

I made a terrible mistake.

I ask for forgivness, but do not expect it.

Know one knows more then me the ramifications of what is happening.

I will one day see my last sunrise.

I always hope that i will get to see it set as well.

Please, when I don't have that chance

do it for me.

I'm sorry

I feel like I have failed you all.

please, do not take this as an attack, it isn't.

Its the best way I know to apoligize.
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Mood: exotic