on open letter.
Date: Jul 10th, 2007 9:14:11 am - Subscribe
Mood: exotic
An open letter:
For those who have been affected in a negative way because of my illness, have my deepest apoligies. I am not trying to hurt anyone, by any means.
I do not know where the fall out came from.
Proof? Just because you haven't recieved it in black and white, doesn't mean it isn't there.
Using the past as an excuse for now does not work with me.
I don't care how tramaitized you were when you were a child.
Sometimes I wish the understanding I need in this matter was there. I don't care about unconditional love, I feel it too. Yet, I can not be in a place where I am looked at in such a harsh light.
So, let me get a few things straight.
I Have always kept my word. Wheather it be money, clothes, rent, emotional involvment, you name it. If I tell you it will be done, it gets done.
I don't fucking care if you didnt ask for the help I gave. If someome needs help, regardless of who they are I do all i can to help.
There are issues coming forth that I did infact expect, yet did not fully prepare for.
I am not a liar.
Again for the fucking morons
I am not a liar.
Two sides to everything, yet only one heard.
Oh, and if I chose to walk away from a situation, instead of meeting it head on, and 'proving' myself, it doesn't mean I am lying about it. duh.
I just do not have the strength needed to fight with you.
If you want proof, your going the wrong way about it,
because bullying does not work. Guilt does not work. Trying to gain my sympathy doesn't work.
So why does everyone keep trying.
Yeah. I am a bitch.
I have to be.
For years, being sick,
getting berated about going to the doctor
and being told it was all in my head
I have had enough.
Your past doesn't affect just you.
You projected YOUR own feelings about your past onto my future.
I do not grasp the concept of calling me names, and telling me what a waste I am.
I have the maturity to keep my comments to myself
Not going half fucking cocked about something you only know heresy about.
I am only 20, and I know better then to blame someone before I have proof.
So, who is actually the waste?
Surely not my family!
They have all lived perfect lives.
HA
sorry, didn't mean to laugh
i just find that funny.
Guess what?
It's your loss. I do not walk back where I am not wanted.
But I do feel sorry for you
I know the truth.
And the morbid thing?
After I die in a short period of time, you will have to survive on the fact that you were wrong, and you robbed both of us of precious time we could have had together.
I could be wrong, you may not feel a thing when I die
But if that is the case,
then the one with the problem isn't me.
Heartless Bastard.
At least when I argue and berate I do it with my voice
you think by not talking to me on the phone, you are sparing anything?
ha
again.
Trust me, I do not hang up, but you won't get the fight you think you will.
My blogs are for me.
If I tell you they aren't about you.
They arent.
I can't make that any clearer.
I wish I could.
Now, the funny thing is, In all of this
I am still wrong.
To all my friends, they describe me as being a nondramatic person.
I guess all of them are wrong, because one person said so.
Thick skulls are hard to penetrate.
I don't blame anyone, but I know that there will be 'response' blogs about journies, strength and survival.
lol.
if you write it enough, you may believe it.
Before I go, let me make one thing clear.
I didn't start this myspace shit.
I haven't talked to anyone enough to get the treatment I did.
This letter is going to piss people off, even though it isn't supposed to.
It is a statement of feelings.
yeah. i have them.
and they are broken again.
No one is a shrink here.
No timeline fits. Stop looking for details that aren't there. You are grasping at straws.
Please..
I am begging you.
I am doing the best I can.
Please..
I wouldn't lie about something like this.
Please..
I have gotten good at looking healthy, because for so many years I was told I was crazy and not sick.
I was, and now its too late for me.
I don't wish to cause any pain.
Im not writing this to get anyone on my side
or to bash anyone at all.
I am just a 20 year old kid
who is faced with the fact that I will never see 21
my sister graduate,
my family be well taken care of.
I am fighting a losing battle.
The truth of how people act when they are doing is different with everyperson the same way anger affects people differently.
There is no set guidline.
I don't want to live my life in a shadow of what some consider a lie.
If I had known how this news would have affected all
I would not have said a word, to spare pain.
I know that I have no right to withhold this to spare pain, you guys can deal with it.
You have a right to know.
I was wrong in that
I am sorry.
I just didn't want to hurt anyone
I realize now, that was the wrong course of action.
I don't know what i am doing
I have never known I was going to die before.
I made a terrible mistake.
I ask for forgivness, but do not expect it.
Know one knows more then me the ramifications of what is happening.
I will one day see my last sunrise.
I always hope that i will get to see it set as well.
Please, when I don't have that chance
do it for me.
I'm sorry
I feel like I have failed you all.
please, do not take this as an attack, it isn't.
Its the best way I know to apoligize.
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