I'm Going to Miss the Music...
Date: Jul 9th, 2007 9:48:11 am - Subscribe
First and foremost, letters with sentiment are not usually my 'thing.' So with that in mind let me start off by saying three vitally important things.
1. I am not writing this for sympathy. If you believe different, please do not waste your time reading this.
2. I am not doing this for drama. Again, if you believe different, do not read the following words.
3. This letter is by NO means my surrender to my body. It is a statement of being realistic, and honest with those I care about. (you all deserve the truth, not the rumors that will ensue...)
Okay. Now that I have that off my chest, for those of you still with me, let me begin.
As most of you know, I have Aplastic Anemia. I have been fighting it for what seems like an eternity. On April 11th, 2007 I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkens Lymphoma. For those of you who may be clueless, it is an aggressive form of Cancer. Because I already had AA, my chances were increased for this type of cancer. After extensive testing, and invasive and undignified procedures, I was informed that the NHL had spread throughout my body at such a rapid rate because my immune system was already low because of my AA.
I hate saying the follow words, but this is what my doctors have told me:
There is nothing that we can do. You will not be able to fight off this cancer that has taken a brutal hold on your body.
I have been told that I have 6 months to a year left.
I know this is shocking, devestating news to anyone, but my family is taking it hard, as am I.
I am writing this because it is the truth, and I will be damned if I do not make my feelings known before I can not control my body, and I slip into oblivion.
Do not waste your time questioning God's wisdom, for you will get nowhere, (trust me.) I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am, in fact not immortal, and I will not live as long as I would like. I am sorry to all who may feel let down, I am not failing you, I am figthing as hard as I can, I am only human and my strength is failing.
I am so tired. Everyday is a struggle for me. I fight and fight and fight, but it is as if I am trying to run through sand. I get nowhere.
I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of dying. I do not know what that will be like, and I hope that by the time it comes, I will be able to deal with it. But then again, how do you prepare for something like that? I know I can not comprehend the feeling of death, because no one lives to tell about it...(ha ha, it was funny and you know it)
I know there are going to be things I will miss.
I am going to miss the rain, the wind, and thunder.
I am going to miss the holidays, anything with my family, and my friends
I am going to miss water, air, even fire.
I am going to miss coffee, ciggarttes, chocolate, and gummi bears.
I am going to miss tears, joy, companship, and hugs.
I am going to miss all you so much. I do not want to leave anyone.
I know that it is weird, but I know I am going to miss the smallest things in life.
Ice Cream, and Diet Coke.
My cellphone and computer.
I will miss my shoes.
Long showers, and great make-up.
Snow.
Sleeping with my feet uncovered.
Pink Floyd ( please, Listen to the Song, 'wish you were here' and think of me.)
SOMEONE, ANYONE go skydiving for me... please??
BUT know this. I will never be truly gone.
I will be that flower that grows where it should not.
I will be the feeling of calm after a storm.
I will be the strength of the weak.
I will be that fleeting emotion of anger.
I will be there at all times, watching and guiding you through the pain, turmoil and depression.
My spirit will live on when the leaves fall, and winter knocks on your door.
I will be the green grass of the fresh spring, the cooling breeze on a summer's night.
Trust me when I say I will be your guiding light.
For those who may be crying at this moment, that is not my intention, but know that I am crying also. Words come easy to me, but there is nothing I can say to ease the pain of this devstating news.
You all know me, and trust me when I say, that I got this... (lol) I will get through this the best way I know how. It may not be the correct way, it may not be normal, but who cares?
My mother states that if anyone can handle this, it is me. God does not give us more then we can handle... Well, I would like to have a talk with him about that!
I only feel depressed and sad when I think about certain things.
My sister graduating. (i love you baby girl, and I am SO proud of you.)
My friends finding love, and building families. ( I will not be there to share the joy)
My dreams.
My Coach Purse addiction.
My father, My mother, My sisters, and my dear friends. (It hurts me to cause you pain)
I have so many questions.
Will I get to paint in Heaven, and will I be able to jump from cloud to cloud?
Will I have wings? (is that not a scary thought....have you seen my driving??)
It is hard to imagine a future without putting myself there.
I want to say so many things, but when I try, I can not. I do not want to die, I want to survive, but God has given me this path, and I must take it for better or worse.
I wanted my father to walk me down the asile.
I wanted to be a mother.
I wanted to tackle a midget in walmart. (actually anywhere, if I could find the damn midget)
I wanted to grow old, share stories of what life was like back when, and preaching at the local children about school being 15 mile uphill both ways, in the pouring rain..
People ask me after they found out what I am going to do in the next year. Honestly? I am going to do what I do now. Live everyday like it is the last. I am going to love hard, play hard, work hard, and be happy with the time I have. What else is there?
I have no regrets. If I could do it all again, I would do the same things I did now. Shocking? Not really.
My mother calls me an 'old soul.'
Fiercely independent, wise and mature by my years, with a heart of gold.
I have had twenty amazing years on this earth. And I have all of you to thank for that. You made me the person I am. I thank you.
I could sit here and say that this is not fair, but I have not right to do that. No one said life was fair, no one garunteed me anything. That is what makes life precious. It is the knowledge that it could be taken away from you any minute, and there is nothing you can do about it.
I only ask certain things from you my loves,
DO not wear black to my funeral. (please...celebrate my life, not my death....have a drink...or five and toast them all to me...) he he
PLEASE do not forget me. I know that I will remember each and everyone of you...
I am including certain people in this note, with a special message for each...
MOM- Please be strong for me, and for yourself. Read my poetry, talk to me each day...I promise I will be listening
DAD- I will ALWAYS be your little girl...nothing can take that away from you
MIRANDA- Be strong little one. Do not mourn my passing. Take the pain you feel and use it as a motivator for the future. You are my mini-me. Do what you can with what you have. Got that UBU?
CASSIE- No civil words spoken between us in a long time...but I am proud of you ambition to get back to school. That takes strength, and I am proud of you.
ASHLEY- It is not fair that our friendship has only really just begun. I wish that the past two years could have been twenty. You have kept me strong with your quiet confidence and steady support.
TRICIA- I would have not made it through highschool without you. I know that sounds childish, but you loved me for who I was, you never judged, just accepted. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I am so sorry about your sister, and I am sorry that our friendship has faded to this point.
MIKE- My first love. You have been my rock, my heart, and my soul.
MATT- Hey Buddy, wassup? Lol. You are a compassionate and caring soul, and for that I will never forget your white ass!!
DAN- I love you. enough said.
CHRISTOPHER- Our friendship was just getting back on track... I am sorry that I must leave you before it is fair. I know you hate emotion, but you know I love you.
KATIE- I will miss our porch sitting, alcohol drinking, pot smoking weekends... p.s. you are a stoner...lol... just playing
MICHELLE- You showed me the way back to God without making me feel like I ever neglected him. I thank you.
To the Rest of MY CLASSMATES-
Thanks for the memories, please, do not talk about me at the reunion...lol...
EVERYONE- Do not cry because I am gone, laugh because you know that I will be in heaven seeing EVERYTHING...and I will be laughing at everything you do!!
I do not think of this as the end. Death is a new begining, another journey to behold, and trust me...Heaven does not know what they are getting into by letting me in! HA!
I would love for everyone to pray for me, and PLEASE, call me. I would love to chat with old friends, new friends and all in between.
I know this was long, I apoligize, but I am making myself come to a conclusion quick. Every night I do not sleep because I feel robbed of time.Hell, I am robbed of time, who am I kidding. I really am going to miss breathing...ha ha... My soul will be free, my heart will be unburdened, and my love for all of you will last forever.
No worries, when my time comes, do not cry a tear for me, I promise you, we will meet again, and since I will have been in Heaven awhile, I can show you the ropes!
Also, if you get to heaven, and you can not find me... I am in Hell, and I am sure I am having a blast!
Life is what we make it. We write what we know, question morality, and take life for granted. I know I did. Hell, I still do. I am still waiting to wake up from this dream, but I have a feeling that this time, I am not going to get that lucky. I think that I have used all of my 'get outta jail free' cards.
Oh Heavens my friends. I guess I better wrap this up before I keep going ang going and going. Thank you for reading, and please support me.
Remember, I am not gone, I am in your hearts, and your memories. I ask you again, do not cry for me. Know that my suffering is past, and I am at peace. I will be okay, you will to. Life goes on no matter how hard we try to stop it. Just enjoy the ride. thats what I am doing. When it is my time, I will have NO regrets, just the sound of laughter and the memories of long past.
I Just Have One Last Question.
Do Angels sing??
I have a feeling I am going to miss the music.
k.
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