Day 41: Change of Perception
Date: Feb 3rd, 2009 10:37:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood: peaceful


So I pretty much don’t even know how to begin this blog. To make a long story short, I met Dana today to give her back something I found buried in my trunk, and we ended up talking for two and a half hours. About everything.
So apparently there was a few miscommunications. First off, Dana didn’t meet this guy out drinking. I got that impression because 1, I was pretty emotionally screwed up when she was told me (understandably so), and 2, she said it was one of Ashleigh's friends, and she goes out drinking frequently, so I guess in my distress the two connected. Damn that sucked. So I have this complex of this guy who intentionally “stole her” from me who picks up girls at bars and has no morals or respect for the boyfriends of the girls he’s with. Well, they’ve never gone out drinking. And according to her, though he sorta liked her, he never even tried to pursue her while we were together. And you know how they spent the weekend together down in sac? Yeah, they were with her friends Gene and Martin, and nothing happened between them. I guess she’s known him for years, he’s a Christian, a virgin, and a pretty decent guy. Oh, and his name’s Mike. I didn’t even know that until tonight.
Boy do I feel like a dumb ass. I guess my actions are excusable based upon the fact that she was pretty ambiguous about him and that I was under a massive amount of emotional stress. But damn, it’s not nearly as bad as I thought it was. I wish my point of view had been a little more... informed.
I’ve been fighting four main attitudes lately. First off, lust. That’s been a struggle, but I’ve been orgasm free for 41 days, so yay God!
Bitterness has been a struggle. I hated the fact that some other dude came along and stole her. But the fact that it’s what I needed (hell, I even prayed to God to get me out a few times), and the fact that he had respect for me while we were still together pretty much wipes that out. I have nothing to be angry at him for. I almost owe him a thank you. He indirectly is the reason I’m not stuck in my porn addiction still. Praise God.
Dependency has been a mild issue. The old man within me wants to return to that old state where I was dependent upon another human being. I’ve had a few near misses as far as rebounds go, but God pretty much smashed them before I could get close enough to burn. Actually lately I haven’t even felt the need for another girl to satisfy myself with emotionally.
The main struggle I’ve been having is with depression. It wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t have so many damned memories at my work with her. A lot of the memories I have with her are pretty sexual too, which isn’t good at all. If I quit my job it’d be so much easier. But this is where He has me, and I don’t think quitting is a logical way out. The main attacks come at me when I’m actually at work, unable to reach for my Bible. So, I recite memorized psalms aloud in my car when I go on deliveries. Psalm 103 and 116 have been amazing. So much power... I shout them if I have to.
Lately the assaults from the enemy have been pretty useless. Depression I fight with His word, lust hasn’t been overbearing (if it is, I bust out Psalm 3 lol), bitterness is pretty much not a struggle anymore, as is the dependency factor. Praise God.
On the other hand, it was really soothing to hear from her. As I said, although our relationship was extremely spiritually detrimental, I have missed the pure parts of our relationship. And it blows my mind if you look at the blog before last that I posted YESTERDAY. Read those last two paragraphs and tell me that we don’t worship a loving, compassionate God. I’m glad she’s with a decent guy and not a jerk like I thought. That gave me such peace. We talked and laughed about school, work, etc. Not once did I feel anger, hostility, or awkwardness. It was good. He is good.

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
       all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

 2 Praise the LORD, O my soul, 
       and forget not all his benefits-

 3 who forgives all your sins 
       and heals all your diseases,

 4 who redeems your life from the pit 
       and crowns you with love and compassion,

 5 who satisfies your desires with good things 
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

 6 The LORD works righteousness 
       and justice for all the oppressed.

 7 He made known his ways to Moses, 
       his deeds to the people of Israel:

 8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, 
       slow to anger, abounding in love.

 9 He will not always accuse, 
       nor will he harbor his anger forever;

 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve 
       or repay us according to our iniquities.

 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, 
       so great is his love for those who fear him;

 12 as far as the east is from the west, 
       so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

 13 As a father has compassion on his children, 
       so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

 14 for he knows how we are formed, 
       he remembers that we are dust.

 15 As for man, his days are like grass, 
       he flourishes like a flower of the field;

 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, 
       and its place remembers it no more.

 17 But from everlasting to everlasting 
       the LORD's love is with those who fear him, 
       and his righteousness with their children's children-

 18 with those who keep his covenant 
       and remember to obey his precepts.

 19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven, 
       and his kingdom rules over all.

 20 Praise the LORD, you his angels, 
       you mighty ones who do his bidding, 
       who obey his word.

 21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, 
       you his servants who do his will.

 22 Praise the LORD, all his works 
       everywhere in his dominion. 
       Praise the LORD, O my soul.
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