Day 50
Date: Feb 13th, 2009 2:55:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: introspective


Well, it's 12:01. Today was day 50. No sexual contact with anyone or anything. I honestly never really thought I would get to this point.

I've realized that I'm not invincible. As long as I stay close to Him, fighting temptation becomes much easier, but if I leave His area of protection, I can be swept away as easily as I was a few months ago. This makes me nervous because the past few days I haven't been very close to Him. I'm going to read my Bible after I finish this.

I met a girl a couple weeks ago. She's cute, sweet, wants to adopt, and gives back massages. I also have that specific, constant feeling in me that says DON'T PURSUE HER. Her name's Deanna. Deja vu, eh?

I took her out last night. It was a pretty stupid idea. All my other friends went to bed because they had homework and stuff, so I texted her and we met at Denny's and ate food. I ended up paying too. I didn't really mean for it to be a date, but it sorta turned into that. She texted me later that night and thanked me for dinner and said she had a great time. Ah... I'm gonna back out of that one like there's not tomorrow. (wait, that makes no sense... lol)

My own humanity fascinates me. I jerk off, and I feel good for mere seconds, then I feel like shit for a while and it's not worth it. Then I repeat it over and over. You'd think after once or twice I'd learn. Same with this situation. Another Dana is coming right at me and I know it. And yet, I'm actually tempted to continue on like this. Amazing. I'm still feeling some mild repercussions from my last relationship that I knew wasn't right, and yet here I am, thinking about starting this whole painful process over again. Even rats can learn by shock therapy. What is it in me that makes me want to screw around when I know I'll bleed from it later?

I got some powerful imagery in my head today.. not sure where it came from. I realized that when I ran to God, He set me on fire. That's often used as a positive thing in the church... being on fire for God, share light with your fire, or whatever the hell they say these days. But for me, it wasn't some glorious experience or spiritual high that left me feeling fantastic or light headed.

Being set on fire was painful. It burned. My heart ached. Ever watched a movie where they soak someone in gasoline and light a match? Yeah, that's pretty much what it was like. True, everything that was not of God was burned away, but the heat from that fire still scorched my skin and bones. And as the weeks passed, there was less and less hatred, lust, and sickness to burn away, and the fire eventually died down. Hell, I felt like all that was left was my inner core, a small fragment of humanity that had been lost and forgotten about. Spiritually I pretty much had to start from ground zero.

But now that most of the pain is gone, I have a new life. I'm not the same person I was 2 months ago. I'm not controlled by my lust. I'm not driven by my greed. I'm not a slave to my lazy nature. I'm driven by Christ. I've developed a passion for Him. I want more and more. I go to chapel at Simpson and bethel whenever I can now, because I hunger for Him. I love Him.

I can clearly see why I felt moved to start up my blog once again. Seeing Him move into my life, wipe out everything that was, and build something completely knew is so... mind boggling. It's good to go back and look at the individual days and see where He helped me and when He carried me.

Yes, in His great mercy, He lit me on fire. But I was not alone even while I suffered. He was with me every step of the way. Even now I feel His presence. I love Him.

This was supposed to be a 10 minute blog. haha... I'm going to watch the sunrise in the morning... assuming it's not rained out. We shall see!
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