Days 1-35
Date: Feb 2nd, 2009 4:23:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood: amazed

Kat, one of my close friends and spiritual mentors, has been a huge encouragement the past month and a half. When she prays, mountains move. No joke. I was looking through my text outbox and there is some pretty awesome stuff in there... it's amazing to see Christ pull me from the pit on a day to day basis. These are most of the texts I sent to her.

Day 1
Please pray for me. I’m really struggling. I’ve been freed from the relationship that has kept me in bondage for so long, and I don’t want to slip back into it. But right now it’s all I can think about.

Day 3
I kept telling myself I had nowhere to go but up. Then I realized that as painful as this is, it is a step up. a huge one.

Day 4
Please pray for me. I feel sick, and I just want to get better. I hate feeling this way and want to feel ok again.

Day 5
Video games is an addiction that has been a constant hindrance to my walk with God. I listened to a village sermon about Jonah. Video games has been an escape from reality, something that 100% distracts me from guilt. My way of running from God. My ship to Tarshis. I’m trading my Xbox and all my games in for Wii Fit. I can’t imagine being addicted to an excersize program lol

Day 6
I just spent the last 3 hours writing a letter to Dana. I had to get some things off my chest. And Jesus told me to.

Day 13
I’m in a place of such humility. I’ve come so far but still have a long way to go. The withdrawals aren’t nearly as bad as they were in the beginning. For the first time in probably well over a year, I’ve been porn free for almost two weeks!

Day 17
Pray for me. She had someone cover her shift today so she could go ice skating and to a kings game with him, and for some reason that’s bringing me down.

Day 20
Day 20 porn free. Talked to Andrew and Peta last night. We cried together, they held me, then laid hands on me and prayed. Then we read the Bible. I read the Bible for a couple hours tonight with Amy. He is good. =-)

Day 22
I had my first night at work with Dana. Wasn’t sure what to do. “Love her as I love her” He said. I was cordial to her, which I think she found surprising. Pray that I can distinguish true love from the cheap lust I’ve dwelled in for so long, that I can show her Christ’s love without getting emotionally involved. I can already see that that is what the enemy is assaulting me with next. Never before has my mind been under siege like it is now, and never before have I destroyed every temptation that has come my way like I am now. Day 22 porn free. He is good.

Day 23
Pray for me Tonight work was hard. I got in a huge fight with my mom... I’m gonna stay at a friends for a few days to cool down.

Day 25
Day 25 porn free. I spend a few minutes in prayer for her every morning while shaving with the razor she bought me. Praise the Lord O my soul, all my inmost being, praise his Holy name. I want to learn more of this love He has shown me. He is good.

Day 27
Barely made it through today. My eyes and mind have become my fiercest enemy. But His enduring love is ever faithful, even through the most difficult paths. I have so much passion within me that was spent on her for so long, and I’m channeling all that energy toward Him. Read Psalm 116. Praise His holy name. He is good.

Day 30
My heart is filled with sorrow when I realize what I have done. Though I have His forgiveness and love, there are still consequences for my actions. This pain is difficult to bear. Dozens of memories of sexual experiences plague my mind constantly. Sex is all I can think about lately. Pray for the healing of my mind and heart.

Day 32
Day 32 porn free. His legions are constantly falling at my hands. He has made me a force to be reckoned with. When they realized they could destroy me with neither lust nor hate, they tried to seduce me with an old familiar lightheartedness. A new girl has entered my life. Ambushes from the enemy are constant, but all in vain. Read Psalms 91. He is good.

Day 34
Made it through day 34. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such sexual pressure. The fact that I can persevere each day is purely His strength within me. In a desperate attempt to dull my sex drive I’ve changed my diet to only brown rice and an herb that supposedly lowers testosterone levels. Pray for me. He is good.

Day 35
Though I am pressured I will not relent. Though I am tempted I will not succumb. I will refuse to bas my worth in how others see me. I am no less than a child of Christ, made in His image, branded by His love.
I realized a couple weeks ago that the relationship between you and I is parallel to my relationship with Christ.When I fled from Him, I also distanced mysle f from you because you are a huge impact on me spiritually. I can honestly say I would not be the same person I am today without you. I love you and andrew so much. He has been like a brother to me through this. Thanks Kat =)

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