Letter to an ex
Date: Feb 2nd, 2009 3:41:17 pm - Subscribe
Mood: cavalier


1/2-09

Dana,
As I lie sleepless in my bed, I glance at my clock and see that it is nearly four am. I have some things I need to get off my chest, but I don't think I would have the right state of mind if I met with you face to face. So I've decided a letter is the best way of communication.
I don't know where to begin this. Since before the beginning of our relationship, I had a small voice in my heart that told me not to pursue you. I didn't know why. It didn't make any sense to me. You were everything I wanted. You are beautiful. Neither of us wanted kids. We both seemed to be financially prudent. My parents loved you to death. You are mature. You have your career started. You're funny, and enjoyable to be around. Your cooking is amazing. I could go on. Even to the minute details, You seemed perfect... everything I wanted and more. All these things seemed more than enough of a reason to smother the voice inside me. And that's what I decided to do.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew the voice I heard was God. But I shut him out, as I have grown so accustomed to doing. Replacing him with video games, work, and you, I did my best not to think about the fact that I was fleeing from God... replacing the creator of the universe with imperfect flesh and blood. I knew in my heart that if I continued fleeing God and pursuing you to the eventual point of marriage, I would miss out on some huge blessings in life... simply put, you were not the right woman for me, and I've known it since the beginning.
I learned to combat these guilty thoughts with the pros of dating you, stated previously. Once I thought about what I had, I didn't care about what I might miss, because frankly, what I had felt like heaven.
After you cheated on me, I was crushed. Being cheated on is truly a pain that one must experience to fully comprehend. I was so angry with you, yet so attached to you, yet so hurt by you.
The best way to describe it would be as if being with you, seeing you, thinking of you was like drinking a sweet, delicious wine. I drank deeply of it for so long that I had become used to having it on tap. Once you cheated on me, that drink turned extremely bitter, enough to make me vomit. But thinking of you was such a reflex... such a habit engrained into my conscience, that I could not put the drink down permanently. Without realizing it, the cup would frequently slip back up to my mouth, burning my lips and tongue, and I would vomit again and again until I had nothing in me but an indescribable emptiness, a pain that I knew only time would heal. But I didn't want to wait.
I ran to God the night after you told me you cheated on me. I had nowhere else to go. Even the entrancement of video games was not enough to hold my attention, and I knew eventually I would have to put the controller down and face my sickness.
That night I cried out to God for healing. And he was there, as faithful as the rising sun. I realized how far I had fallen from him, and begged his forgiveness. He told me that if He was going to forgive me, I needed to find in my heart a way forgive you. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." What you had done to me was exactly what I had done to God on a hundredfold scale.
I honestly can't tell you what happened after that. I do know that I took Gods guidance once step further in a very wrong decision -- I forgave you and took you back, rather than simply forgiving you. I don't know how I slipped back out of my relationship with Him because I hid my bible and journal after we got back together. I knew I was living in sin, and hated the guilt that came to me when I saw my journal, so I hid it, and I can't find it. I don't remember where I put it. Out of sight, out of mind I guess.
I do remember that we dated for one day, and I broke it off because I knew it wasn't right. Yet somehow I ended slipping down the slope of dependency, and we ended up back together. I figured it would work this time. I decided to reject Christ and follow you, and you had promised to stay faithful to me and not cheat again. Everything seemed perfect.
Then you told me you had developed feelings for someone else. Once again, I can't truly describe to you the magnitude of what I feel. Pain. Rejection. Shame. Humiliation. Sadness. Frustration. Anger. Bitterness. I'm fighting thoughts of hatred. The fact that you are leaving me for another man simultaniously infuriated, confused, and devastated me, magnified immensely because it was the second time you found me insufficient.
When you promised to be faithful to me, I didn't just mean physically. I meant emotionally too. But I, for lack of a better word, loved you. I gave you my all, and you decided you wanted something else, when even you yourself could find no fatal flaw within me. I'm still perplexed by this.
After you drove me back to hollywood and I got in my car to leave, I couldn't think of where to drive, much less see where I was going through the tears. I sat there for a few minutes, feeling many emotions, but loneliness being the dominant. I heard my door open, and for the last time felt your warm embrace. You told me that you were sorry, and that there was someone better out there for me who wouldn't keep hurting me. I kissed you on the cheek one more time and told you goodbye. We hugged one last time, and I painfully let you go, knowing full well that we would never hold each other like that again.
I can't explain why or how, but for some reason hearing that and crying on your shoulder helped me feel better. Simple human compassion gave me a little peace and strength to make it through the night, and work the next day.
Although what you did helped a little, it cannot annul the anger, frustration, or shame I feel from the fact that you're leaving me for another man. Dana, I'm struggling enough with keeping my anger in check right now. If you have any respect for me, if any part of you still cares about me, I would beg that you not see anyone until I ship out. The fact that you left me for someone else is a difficult and shameful burden, and I fear that my shame may turn to bitterness, my frustration to hate, if I hear of you with him. Its one thing to know that my ex left me because she has feelings for someone else. How much more would my pain be magnified if I see or hear of her with him? Knowing that he stole what was once happily mine, turned my dearest friend against me, how could I possibly not be filled with hate? Dana, I don't want our relationship to end like this, but if you see him, I will not know how to peaceably cope. I am fervently struggling as it is.
I would tell you that the best thing for you is to stay single for a while to begin a relationship with God unhindered, and to take time to figure out what your priorities are. But who am I kidding? I'm beyond emotionally involved, and it's clearly impossible for me to make an unbiased, sound judgment.
I would like to be able to talk to you without feeling shame or anger in a month or two after I finish dealing with the pain you have brought me. I hate the awkward silence Elise and I still have, and I don't want to have that with you. But selfish as it may be, if you get emotionally involved with another man, a cordial friendship between us will never exist again.
As angry as I am right now, I can still remember that I enjoyed hanging out with you. Unfortunately, I don't think we can ever have what we once did. I cared for you, and you broke up with me. I won you back, and you cheated on me. I forgave you, and you left me for another man. Please understand that, while it pains me to write this, I can never trust you again with my heart.
There was a reason I couldn't find my journal. A few days ago, at no doubt the darkest point in my entire life, I felt as though I could never come to God again. I called up my friend Kat, and talked with her for an hour. I realized that the reason my life had been Hell for so long was because I wasn't following Christ. I hadn't truly surrendered my life to him. If He told me to journal, I instead might -- and usually would -- decide to play video games. It was up to me how often I spent time with him. It was my decision whether I went to church or not. If I wanted to listen to my Dana mix playlist instead of worship music, I would. I didn't consider him an authority, so I still ruled my life. It was my life and I wanted to pursue the things I wanted. I heard his voice, even though it faded over the months, perhaps years of not yielding to him. I simply chose to put my desires first. I didn't pray about whether or not I should date Hilary, Elise, or you, because frankly, it wasn't His decision. It was mine. And this is where it led me.
Please read this slowly and carefully. While what I am about to say sounds cliche and cheap, I cannot emphasize the truth and power it holds. I fell on my face. Unworthy of forgiveness didn't even come close to describing my situation. But Kat told me that God loves me just the way I am. I don't have to fix myself in order to be worthy of him... in fact, I lack the capacity to do so. He has so much he wants to show and teach me. He has so many blessings in store for me. He wants to just love on me so much. I just have to follow him rather than my own selfish desires.
I rededicated my life to Christ that night. I gave Him control of my life. When I felt him tell me to journal, I don't just do it. I rush to do it, because I know he takes joy in my obedience. I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty hard to put my own desires on hold and do what he says, but it's so rewarding. I've felt such peace.
God loves me for who I am. A broken hypocrite who has been doing his own thing for well over a year, pursuing my own selfish, evil desires, trying desperately to find fulfillment in paper money, plastic video games, and mere flesh and blood... all of which are his own creations. He loved me when I was running from him, completely apathetic about spitting in his face! And he loves you too, Dana. He loves you to death. Just the way you are. I can't even begin to fathom how many blessings he has ready to spill onto you. He just wants to be with you. To talk with you. The past doesn't matter. He doesn't care that you haven't really talked to him consistently before. He wants to start now! He has used this whole mess to completely turn my life around. I don't think that's where it ends. He's going to use this to change your life too. He will be your guide in your walk with him. He's begging to be let into your heart. Please open the door for Him. I promise, he'll never flake out on you or leave you out to dry. Forget your past experiences with sunday school or other Christians. All there is is here and now, you and Him. Don't put this letter down until you have picked up your Bible. You will be in my prayers.
Sincerely,


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