Life Today...
Date: Feb 2nd, 2009 4:58:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: hopeful
So I’ve decided to pick up consistent blogging again... more for personal reasons than anything. I want to be able to record my life and thoughts at least weekly and come back to them later in life. Unfortunately I’m at a bit of a dark time to start doing this, but I figured I might as well. Only one person on my friends list has blogged since 2005, and Adam isn’t local, so it really doesn’t matter. He seems to be going through some of the same shit that I am lately anyways.
If you read the previous few blogs, you can get the gist of what I’ve been going through. I met this girl at my work, and we started dating. She broke it off after a couple months, mostly because she felt she couldn’t see herself with me permanently. At that point I made it my quest to win her back. We kept our friendship and got closer and closer until about a month later when I finally made my move. We were messing around in the computer room at her dad’s house (he works like 50 hours a week and is guaranteed to be gone from 8 until at least 6 every day, so that gives us plenty of space). We were flirting, and I jokingly forced her off the computer and was messing with her myspace. We ended up wrestling around a bit, then both fell on the floor, and I ended up mostly on top of her. I looked her in the eyes, leaned in for a kiss, and she accepted. Ah, how a vast part of me wishes I could go back to such innocent days, before everything got all screwed up.
LIfe went on. No one at work found out this time, which gave us both glee. To be in a relationship with a co worker and keep it a secret from everyone was exciting. Rebellious, almost. My parents didn’t even know half the time when we dated.
As time went on, we grew more and more physical. We spent the night in a hotel once, which was dumb as shit. I’m pretty lucky she didn’t let me go the whole way, because I damn well would have. I told my parents I was at Andrews. We were going to get up early and watch the sunrise. We were watching tv in bed together, when all of a sudden, the power went out. So here I am and I realize I’m in a bed, in a hotel room, with a beautiful woman, without any distractions. WTF was I thinking?
I knew I should have run, but her hand slipped over mine, and we started kissing, and all of a sudden, it’s fucking 3 am, she’s on top of me (clothed), and we had been making out for 5 hours. My hands slipped up her shirt a couple times, but she kept me away from her bra. Thank God.
Pretty much all the rules were off after that night. I had tasted something so sweet, and I wanted more. One thing lead to another, and eventually we ended up staying the night in her room a couple times a week. We’d both lose our shirts and bring each other as close as we could to orgasm without actually having one. That would be a form of sex, and we both believed in abstinence until marriage. Hah, what a joke. Just a side note... physically, it’s super rough on my mind and body to dry hump a girl to the point just short of orgasm, then stop. It fucking sucks. But quite frankly, I was scared to go further. I didn’t want to lose that part of me yet.
So about early november or so, we plan on me staying over on a thursday night, and skipping school friday (I often skipped class just to go fuck around with Dana. Terrible, I know). To make a long story short, she sat me down at her house and told me she cheated on me. She kissed some dude she met when she was out at a club (sober), then went out with him the next day.
Boy was I screwed up. The weekend was a blur. I went home thursday, didn’t show up to class friday. I laid in bed all day trying to figure out wtf I was gonna do. Saturday and Sunday wasn’t much better. Monday I failed a biology exam. Pretty shitty week.
After a week or two we talked about it, and I told her I had forgiven her, but didn’t know if I could be with someone I didn’t fully trust. That attitude lasted about a week, as the thoughts and memories of us rolling around in her bed consumed me. We were hanging out and on her way back over to her house, and she mentioned that her dad wasn’t coming home that night. That was like locking a deprived meth addict in a padded room with a loaded syringe. So, I shot up. The next day I broke it off because I was afraid if getting hurt again, but withdrawals came fierce, and we were back in her bed a week later. She swore to me that she would never cheat on me, that she would never leave me again. So I figured I was set.
Just for clarification, we always kept our pants on. We never had sex. But we came damn close a few times. I’m ashamed at the hight of my hypocrisy.
We did stockings for each other. I had mine ready a couple weeks in advance. I pumped like $80 into it. Mostly random cute stuff. I ended up not being able to fit it all in the stocking. She came over for Christmas and we opened them. She brought hers over, and apologized because she said it wasn’t much. It had a couple tubes of blistex in it, some pajamas, and a shit load of candy. Pretty cheap stuff thrown together at the last minute, but I didn’t really think about it.
The next day she told me she had developed feelings for another guy, and that she wanted to break this off so that she wouldn’t hurt me anymore. I wrote her a letter, which I posted a couple posts before this blog, basically saying that we could never be together again, we both need Jesus, and please don’t chase this other guy, at least for a while, out of respect for me.
She completely disregarded the letter. A week later, she spent the weekend with him in sacramento to go ice skating and to a kings game. We were going to go ice skating this winter, so that fucked me up pretty good. I cut myself a couple times, mostly out of curiosity, just to see if it would work. I felt kinda weird about it afterward, and decided to forget it and pretend like it never happened. She came back to redding and posted pictures of them cuddling on myspace. In my frustration, I sent her a myspace message. It went something like “wow, really Dana? Pictures on myspace? Nah, it’s cool. I actually wanted all our coworkers to know that you dumped me for him.” Naturally it was returned with an equally as hostile reply.
This was the darkest night of my life. About 10 PM I drove up to the trail on hilltop that leads down to the sundial bridge. I started sprinting, and didn’t stop until I had gotten to a bench a couple miles later. I collapsed on it, gasping for air. At this point I realized that this was the very bench I had first unclipped her bra. Reached for the knife in my pocket, and laid into my wrist nine more times. Not deep enough to be dangerous, but deep enough to draw blood. The feeling of pain really isn’t as soothing as people say it is. Hah, and I thought I was fucked up the first time she cheated on me. Andrew and Peta called me up and wanted to hang out with me, so I dragged my ass across the bridge where they picked me up and took me to my car, and I threw on a sweatshirt and met them back at Andrews place. Peta and Andrew were in the other room watching a movie and I was in the computer room remembering the first couple months of sweet, innocent bliss we shared, and wondering how it had gotten this fucked. Andrew knew something was up, so he came in and hugged me. He saw my wrist, and I told him everything, and he just held me. Peta came in and they laid hands on me and prayed for me. Then we read the Bible for an hour or so. I felt so cleansed.
Dana was everything I had. She was everything I wanted. I had abandoned my friends, my purity, and my faith to chase her. That night as I read 1 Corinthians 13, I realized how screwed up my vision of love was. The idea of love had merged with lust, and they had become fused as one. I couldn’t separate them. I felt alone like I never have in my entire life. But my friends were there for me, even though I had put them on the back burner for the past 8 months so I could satisfy my own damn selfish desires. And they were there for me in an instant.
Even more so did God come to my rescue when I was in need. I realized that Dana was not my entire life. Yeah, I had blown her way out of proportion, but there were other aspects of my life I had forgotten about. I had friends who loved me so much more than Dana ever did. And I had a God I had been running from who had enough mercy in Him to knock me on my ass where I stood and draw me to Him.
My life has changed dramatically ever since the day after Christmas. I rededicated my life to Christ. I’m trying this new thing where I actually do what He says, even when it’s not convenient or comfortable. Dana isn’t the only addiction He’s freed me from. I’ve struggled with porn for years. Since well before high school. The longest I’ve gone since I started was 91 days, a day short of three months. When I got together with Dana I was doing it at least daily. Dana broke it off with me 39 days ago, and I’ve been porn free for 40 days. If that isn’t God, then I don’t know what is.
One thing that has been extremely destructive to my walk with Him is video games. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it’s true. Pursuing God takes effort, video games doesn’t. It’s part of me that I’ve always hated. I sold my Xbox and got a couple wii games, more for social purposes than anything. I haven’t actually touched them in like 2 weeks.
So that leaves me here. I’m a porn free, Dana free, abstinence practicing new born believer. Dana and I are on good terms, considering. I’m still coordial to her, which I think she thought was weird, but she gives me the same treatment, so it’s all good. I’m not angry, as I once was, though there are certain aspects of our relationship I miss dearly. I had some serious withdrawals shortly after she broke it off... the sexual part of the relationship was hard to instantly abandon. But I’ve grown used to not having someone to grope when I’m bored. I miss our long talks, walks, and playing pool, and listening to music.
I just want to talk to her. I haven’t had a real conversation with her since she told me she was dumping me for another guy. I want to know how school is going for her. How does she like her new MacBook? How is she doing? I find that regardless of what’s happened between us, I still care deeply for her. It’s different though... it’s not sexual in any way, and it’s not a desire to have her back as my own. If she told me she wanted me back, there is no doubt in my mind that I would reject her. I can’t go back to the life that I had. Even still... I do miss her.
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