zanjui's Blog

This will be jumbled.
Date: Oct 19th, 2005 12:09:15 am - Subscribe
Mood: :XFNH'jnhe'okhn
Music: Cursive - The Ugly Organ.

Sudden nubness. My teeth are disintegrating. Vision is blurred. Focus is only directed on a single thing at a time. Sound is coming from another room, but it's right in front of me. Disoriented.

Time seems to just slip away. It slips away so fast that I can't even remember what is going on. My mind is drawing a complete blank. By the time I come to, it feels like I have fallen asleep and have woken up the next day in another home. I don't know who stands in front of me.

That was Saturday evening.

Confusion. Headache. Judgemental of myself. My faults are now clearer. My poor choices are much more vivid in my mind. I'm ill and some people keep telling me how to fix it. I don't want to know the specifics. Your concern is annoying, because you continue to press it on me. Your concern always comes off as demanding anyways.

"You should do this and that. It will make you better. Kevin, if you don't do this you won't get better."

But where is the real medical help that I have been asking for over a month now? My shoulder aches so I ask to get medical advice, but I was never even set up to get it. You two are so shallow and dissapointing. All talk, but no action. I am always begging to do something interesting. All you do is get my hopes up and shoot them down with the usual excuses. My age and experience is allowing me to see through your bullshit. Your passive traits reflect onto me as well. After all, you are the role models I suppose. I never see you though. There are always the quick conversations while we stand in the kitchen, but half the time those are shallow chats with little meaning. I don't really want to talk about the usual topics so I make stupid comments and jokes. Half the time all you do is argue, aggrivate or ask what is wrong. I'm not going to tell you what's wrong, so stop asking.

Now, after Saturday evening, my emotions have been all around. It's like a little roulette that spins every hour. And there are quite a few hours in the waking day, so that leads to fun times. My mind is scattered all over. Another spin of the roulette. I can't seem focus. While the teacher rambles on about what they have to say, I just quietly drift away into my deep thoughts. I sit and think about what's wrong and what's right. What's aggrivating and what's pleasing. I sometimes feel like my thoughts are pouring out of my head and I can't keep them inside. Some get away and can never be caught again. I'm dissapointed to have to go through similair days that just seem to mesh together, but happy to see select people. The happy faces. It's nice to have someone that will listen.

I just hope that all of this passes over. I would like to wake up one of these days and not feel so drained, but rather energized. To drop all of these negative feelings and to move on. To be healthy.


I have many more thoughts but I have no idea on how to put them into words. I lose the majority of them anyways. I feel like the stereotypical teen.
Comments: (5)

wildindigo - October 19th, 2005 Hey, irony. 'I feel like the stereotypical teen' I just wrote that myself last night. Strange. Let's talk. I mean talk talk, about real stuff. You're my best friend, and I have no idea whats going on with you.

playwright - October 19th, 2005 'The stereotypical teen'. That's pretty broad. I understand what you are getting at here, but I am pretty sure I disagree with you. Perhaps your confusion and anger and even rebellion are not new concepts to the area of teendom, but unlike the rest of your generation, you tend to be a lot more mature about them. In fact, I would have to say that of my friends, you are the one who complains least, and when you do complain, your reasons for it are justified. You have a right to expect a certain amount of responsibility from people, and to be frustrated when they fail to display it. I am not going to tell you what to do, or that doing one thing or the other will boost your spirits. That is different for everyone. I think that there is much chance and much flux within the realm of human emotions, and that that perfect day will appear when it is good and ready. I hope you can sort out the problems at hand; good luck to you. If you can do that, I am sure that you will appreciate that golden day all the more.

silentrain - October 21st, 2005 Ah, I had a feeling something was wrong that day. I'm sorry about not asking. I know I may not be your first choice or even second or third or I might not even be on that list at all of people to talk to. But I want you to know that if you ever need someone to listen, my ears are always open. But, if you don't feel like talking to me, then I wish you the best and I hope you find happiness.

playwright - October 26th, 2005 I just wanted to formally thank you for the comment. I'm pretty sure my smile widened even further after reading it.

anonymous - November 06th, 2005 I love you kevin. ~Duston

Sorry anonymous, this user does not allow double comments to be posted.