A note for the 14th day of Feb
Date: Feb 6th, 2005 9:27:22 am - Subscribe
Mood: the criminal
Last night I was thinking about my crimes against love (perhaps it's valentine's syndrome).
Don't get me wrong, I didn't mean to celebrate the existence of love in my life (I've been celebrating love since the first cry). Because love means life itself.
I lied, I cheated, I fooled. I didn't know why I did that to them. Perhaps it's one of my journey that I should passed to get the meaning of my existence in this life.
I had lost my eldest brother a year ago. He's got sick and died in a hospital alone because he lived in a different town from us. I know it's God's will. So I can overcome with that.
But what made me felt so bad was the guilt. The first and the last time I said to him how much I love him was the time I saw his dead body lying there, in my living room.
Thanks to my spoiltness and egoism, I never saw my brother's love for me. When we're near, he treated me as I'm just a lovely and spoilt little kid like I used to be. I screamed and yelled that I'm a big girl now. And there's no way he could treat me like that. I asked for my parent's affirmation for this. And each time I tried to prove that I'm a big girl, I'm just making an obvious fact that I'm just a silly kid.
So now, when I'm thinking about my eldest brother I'll just cry in my pray. I miss him so bad..
A great grief in a great guilt.
I wasn't a good lover either. Perhaps it's another consequences of the guilt, I found myself trapped in the circle of affairs. I tend to ruin the relationship if it gets too comfy. Such a troublemaker from hell.
Someone told me once, "what you've done in the past is what you'll get in the future". If you're a tricker, someone will trick you back. And guess what..he's right.
Writing a confession of my sins against love doesn't mean I'm forgiven. I feel so sorry for myself. The best I can do is to get on with this life with the best things I had. To continue my journey with wisdoms and maturity. Thankfully, I'm beginning to answer the simple and the most important questions in my lifetime, "who am I" and "what makes me happy".
After all, mistake is the best teacher in life, don't you think?
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