zat_sejati's Blog

emotions
Date: Nov 23rd, 2004 11:52:00 am - Subscribe
Mood: troubled


people say put your feelings out... be passionate, be alive, be and be and be... people say... be patient, be calm, be and be...

I am a troubled soul, the more i am getting deeper into this journey of discovery the more i discover i am helpless, ruthless, selfish, egocentric and trying to be pure person..

who am i to be like this? who am i to try to be this? i am pursuing a dream that i sometime feels i am crazy for the dream itself...

i had fights with my loved one just because of pure historical jealousy, nothing more, nothing less... and fear of existence and again feeling of less.. what does it mean.. it means i expect things.. i feel that i don't get what i am expecting.. is this wrong???

who should change...?? i should change.. i know... it is useless to ask my partner to change.. perhaps she doesn't want to change.. then i should change.. either i accept her.. or i let her go.. that's the change.. neither choices are easy to do.. but hey... that is life.. that is love!!!

I know i love myself.. but i cannot hide that i also love others.. i love my mom, sisters, bro in law, nieces and nephews, my gf, her daughter.. i love so many people..

who do i choose when it comes to choosing??? i shall choose the one choice that will make me happy.. what will make me happy?? again, it's all about expectations.. what is expectations.. ??? raising a son for 32 years and then he will leave you? raising a daughter for 25 years and she will leave you?? what is the expectation??? it's not easy to expect.. it's even more difficult not to expect.. expecting not to expect is like choosing not to choose... it's always not easy to be 0.. and again being 0 is choosing to choose to be 0... so it's a choice..!!!!!

oh.. just let it be... this is the substance in me talking gibberish.. however one of these days, this substance is going to reveal.. reveal its true color... its true composition.. its true self... its absolute self...
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