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tron put something spiney in your most sensitive hole! - Subscribe
How would I describe my day? What metaphor could possibly encapsulate the decadent awfulness of today? Could the be such literary anomalies? Let me attempt anyway to paint you a picture, with faeces on the wall...

It is raining here, turning the ground into a slush which resembles a mucous more than mud. I saw a duck go tits up, it is no lie.

My car died today. Its not my car, but it IS my primary mode of transport. four thousand plus dollars and two weeks to get it back on the road. Money I do not have. Money we do not have. It is spewing a fine mist of coolant out of its arsehole, the result of a dead head gasket. In short, new engine.

So in light of this, I've been offered a dream job. I can teach art to semi-intoxicated women via the process of studying hot naked men. What could be better. Lets get a little feminist equality happening here. BUT...

I've been offered a trial waitressing. Nice place, but its just the same old shit. I don't really want to take the work, but the money might be better. The 'right choice' is to take the trial. To do the shitty work for more money. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

And because the car is dead, I'll miss both the Fathers Day dinner with my family tonight and the Havelocks gig I've been dying to get to....

Did I mention I have to pull 4.5K out of my arse? I don't make that in a MONTH!

this is rooted. so very very rooted.

If you don't mind I'm going to feel sorry for myself...
OH and PS Dave you're a fucking CUNT because you're full of shit and you're a two faced arsehole! There I said it. Sure, I think Disturbed is GAY but if you make a big deal about me not going because its going to be a 'boys night' and you're glad to get time with Tim, don't invite other chicks, or it just looks like you don't want me there you anal fissure.

Fuck you.

--tron
0 Comments
Mood: pissed off

tron it might be alive, get a mirror Sep 4th, 2008 8:19:10 am - Subscribe
Its been a long time since I've written anything. This was brought to my attention by someone I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice to catch up. Don't get too big a head about your mention.

I'm ok. I just haven't felt like writing here for a while. I haven't had anything to say. Things have either been going well enough to distract me from the blog, or have been going badly enough that I didn't want to spread that kind of thing around. But here I am with another post, from my rather quiet life.

I'm waiting to hear back from a job interview yesterday. Its for teaching art. I think the interview went well. So, its just a matter of time to see how I really did with it all. I'd love to teach life drawing to groups of women. It would be excellent.

If I don't hear back from them, I start a trial with a restaurant locally next wednesday. I don't really want to work there, but I really would like to have more money again. I want to buy a coffee machine! (and be able to afford to pay bills...)

I'm very tired at the moment, and not very motivated. Its a 'time of year' thing. I'm trying my best to doggy paddle to some kind of land, but the waves of my uncontrolable emotions are washing over me and sending me back into myself again. I think I need to withdraw from certain situations. I'm sorry, I'm not ready. Just not. Its too hard for all concerned, and for what? Things get further under my skin than they do those around me anyway, I'm sure of it.

Shopping tomorrow for a dress to wear to a wedding. I'm MCing a friend's wedding. They must be silly putting me in that position... I'll have to write speeches its high school all over again.

I'm painting more. Its for uni, and its good to be doing it. I'm caring more about this stuff. But I have to go. next week I have a lot to do and I need to go away and get some of the work that I have been putting off done. curse my shithouse study habits.

I'll see you all... never.

Tron
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Mood: limp

imaginary sigh. Aug 29th, 2008 9:14:45 pm - Subscribe
A brief meditation on why I hate everything right now:

- I am sick. I feel like my head is encased in a glass fishbowl.

- People annoy me. Especially children. Especially the sound of their voices. This is problematic given my job choice.

- Today is the last day of work, which, while being a good thing, also kind of sucks because I don't think I will see any of these people again and it reinforces the fact that I have to start EVERYTHING over again in less than a week.

- I'm feeling completely alone, and to top that off nicely, everyone that matters to me is off having fun in BC.


Things I've learned the hard way:
- Never go anywhere without kleenex or the like. EVER.
- Hauling it out of bed earlier and having breakfast results in a much better day than sleeping until you nearly miss the bus.
- Travel when you have the opportunity.
- Don't learn the same lesson twice.

More to come, probably.
0 Comments
Mood: forlorn.

tron it appears... and then leaves Aug 18th, 2008 12:01:04 am - Subscribe
I miss a web comic that I used to read called "Romulus and Remus" but it seems to have been swallowed whole and digested, bones and all, by the unforgiving internet. Why cruel world?

So I haven't been around much. I had a birthday recently. Thank you, 24. It wasn't an easy birthday for a number of reasons. None of which I feel tempted to divulge here, or this might get to be a 'personal' entry and you would have nothing. Be grateful.

I'm starting to read around, oh yeah you know it, and I think its time my rants became a little more cohesive, a lot longer, and definitely more linked to the shared human experience. So I'm putting my mood to 'destructive' hurrah.

See you next time.
1 Comments
Mood: destructive

tron el strangeo to the day Jul 28th, 2008 11:20:22 am - Subscribe
Today has been a strange day.

A strange week.

A continuing, developing, misanthropic sense of self. Another dialogue with no one. More strange dreams. More events. More work. Wonderings. Present de-aspirations. Apathy/Contentment. Illness creeping up... flu kind not anything else.

University ever onward. Weariness. Excitement. Something to care about. Hiatus. Industry. Caution. En Guarde.

Begin again...

ad infinitum.
0 Comments
Mood: argumentative

tron going to the city Jul 2nd, 2008 3:52:01 am - Subscribe
When I go to the city
Its to purge the smell of eucalypts and wood smoke
From my memory and replace it
With grit, dirt and something else…
I need to remember why I’m not here.

When I go to the city, I need to smell
The bad breath coming from the trams
The stink of rage
The apathy that leaks from every pore of
The crush around me,
I need to smell vicinity.

I need to smell urine
And shit
And booze
And stress
And overuse
And waste
And forgetting
And losing
And wishing
And hoping…
I need to smell dreams being born
And death.

When I go to the city, I forget the exhilarating
Permanent marker smell
Of fast car petrol
And late night binging.
I need to forget my own smell lingering
Amongst the people I brush against
When I’m out of my mind.

When I enter the city
When the city enters me
I need to block out its pheromones
And not fall in love.
0 Comments
Mood: fragile

tron other people's kids. Jul 1st, 2008 11:20:15 pm - Subscribe
thank you for bringing your precious bundle of joy to my house. I should have expected this when I invited you for dinner.

Wow. They scream that much. Honey, see we don't want kids any time soon. What? This is good. Thats excellent. Honey we really do not want kids any time soon.

Ok, lets have dinner. Where do you put him? I don't know. I don't have anywhere. Ok just on the couch. (mind he doesn't spew on my blue couch... white baby chuck doesn't come out so easily). Smile.

Oh aren't you cute. He did a shit that big huh? Ah, thats what the noise is. You want attention. Adult conversation anyone? Yes, he is cute. Yes you are tired. No, not much to say? Ok.

You don't want to catch a movie or something? No worries. I understand. You have to get the little angel back to bed (seriously). And I'll see you again soon. Maybe we could go out on the bikes, start looking around for a sitter. Drive safe. See you later.

I need a drink.
0 Comments
Mood: torn

end-of adrift. Jun 18th, 2008 5:24:00 am - Subscribe
I drift; afloat
upon the tides
of time and emotion;
the waves of

my life:
a restless sea
uneasy and ever
shifting beneath me.

only glimpses,
in sunless moments,
reveal the depth;
the weight;
the darkness,

below the
surface upon which
I ride, balancing
so precariously -
it beckons,

it threatens
to overwhelm;
to pull me
in and under.

the instants of
shaken resolve
and loneliness cast me
close to the edge,

where I view
in dizzying clarity
the fathoms-deep
despair awaiting

and reel back
from the drop,
the light in me refusing
to be extinguished -
my saving grace.

adrift from all anchorage
save for that
within myself;

I sail on
over the deep, endless
grey ocean - alone.
0 Comments
Mood: precarious.

imaginary lonely. Jun 16th, 2008 5:19:31 am - Subscribe
I'm afraid right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I will be alright.

I don't want to fall back into misery, but I can feel it pull me. No matter how I try to look at things, it comes back to the fact that I'm alone, unwanted, unwantable.

I know in myself I have a huge, shining saving grace. I don't know what it is in nature. But it catches me in the end, always. Or at least prevents me from falling too fast.

But I don't want despair. I don't want loneliness and pain. But I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm learning that throwing my affection and my hopes on the first person who catches my eye does not result in me not being lonely. Yes, maybe for almost a week. But not for long enough.

I live for the next person who will lift my heart.
0 Comments
Mood: exasperated

tron Crunchy... Jun 15th, 2008 1:42:40 am - Subscribe
I'm not okay with no motivation. I can't work in the 'artistic' headspace any more. I need motivation.

There is some, I'm sure, stored somewhere in a box clearly marked 'get off your arse' but I seem to have lost the key to that box and I can't get into it. Staring at it isn't getting anything done.

AGH... Time to go... to try and not make the same pattern of mistakes.

Tron
2 Comments
Mood: dour

imaginary Freedom. Jun 14th, 2008 5:21:55 pm - Subscribe
It bothers me that I don't feel I can write as freely here as I once could. I've already done some damage by forgetting that words (sometimes especially mine) can be very powerful. I don't want to cause anyone pain.

But I still want to write. And I like Aeonity a lot, and I don't want to make a new blog. This is where my past is as well. And if I make them all private entries, I'll never receive any reflection by others. So it's frustrating. I suppose I will continue to write cryptically until I can be sure of things.

Anyway - my graduation turned out exceedingly well. And as much as I worried and ranted about it, the whole day was exciting and fun and beautiful. I felt beautiful. And confident, and desired. Even days afterwards I floated on this feeling, and even right now (more than a week later) it remains in me.

Also, I figured out some stuff. I can't be uninhibited in discussing it here, but it was a pretty nice revelation. I'm hoping yet more good will come of it. It actually kind of frustrates me that I can't write about it... hmmm.

I'd like to employ this space for a brief meditation on the birth control pill, and how it does not mix well with me. I realized this in the shower a few minutes ago, but I've been not taking it for about three months now, and I am a lot improved. It did help a lot while I was taking it, because it balanced everything out in my system. But now I'm off it. And suddenly I am happier. My moods are a lot more static and less extreme, making me a lot happier as a whole. My skin is clearer. I'm losing weight again. I eat more regularly, and even sleep more (but I don't think that is directly related. It's probably more as a result of everything else.) So, without delving too deeply into my medical life, I just wanted to point out that sometimes messing around with the human body can make you a lot less happy than leaving it to do its own thing.

And with that, I depart.
0 Comments
Mood: feeling good.

tron I'm as synthetic as my wash cycle. Jun 14th, 2008 8:30:36 am - Subscribe
I click the dial on the washing machine to synthetics. Its a shorter cycle, save the planet. I feel synthetic myself tonight. I feel thoroughly unmotivated. I see posts on here about new things, and here, at the end of semester, I'm finishing something when other people are starting. Its startlingly incongruous.

I'd like to feel like I were headed somewhere. Like I were motivated toward a goal. But I'm not. And surprisingly, despite this empty feeling and a longing to 'get up and go somewhere every day' I'm not too worried by the whole experience.

On the whole, I find demotivation the usual place to be when the air turns cold. Something else opens up inside my head and creative wheels start to turn. I'm like a deciduous tree to look at, stark, gaunt, completely still... not doing anything and surrounded by the rotting decay of my own leaves. But inside, I'm not dead. I'm just sleeping, and thinking. I could be like this forever. I could be content with this...

if only I could quell that desire to get up and go somewhere every day.

I wish there was a vaccination that could prevent this sometimes. I wish there were some kind of 'dilligence' drug that made you want to do things (I think there might be one, I think its called 'speed')... But then again, is it better to be in this natural state of stagnance, to take stock of all that is not happening?

I have no answers.
0 Comments
Mood: undecided

tron walking out is harder to do than you think. Jun 12th, 2008 12:16:23 pm - Subscribe
Why is it that a person can feel completely fine until they walk into a therapist's office. I challenge you to find me someone who won't consider themselves a little mad after subjection to the intensity associated with the medicinal confessional that is my therapists offices...

Today I felt fine, balanced. Unmotivated, definitely but still, fine enough in my life. But step into that office, and I am again disintegrated into the ball of raw sinew and fuckery that I have come to associate with these sessions.

I left early.
I hated myself for the lack of commitment.
I am successfully conditioned to deteriorate in small rooms with high ceilings and yellow walls... my god-- the walls in my house are ALL YELLOW... (not my choice).

So here I am feeling totally shit about the whole experience, and assured by the many voices of judgement within me that not one soul will give a shit. Good on you if you do.

Its a wonderful place inside my head. I think I'll go to sleep.

night world.

Tron
1 Comments
Mood: neurotic

end-of comfort eluded. Jun 9th, 2008 1:07:41 am - Subscribe
I wish I
were wiser.

three days later

I put away
my shoes
and my expectations

after that

I stop
looking at all
the photographs

and when that's done

slowly
I accept
that it's really over.

one of these
days, I'll learn

but until then
I'll probably
let me down.

the dress hangs
on the closet door;
I expect no more from it.

the chaos of good times
made irrelevant
by the reality I face.

I wish there
were more to me
than wishing

my life is one big
good intention
left unmanifest.
1 Comments
Mood: disappointed.

tron turning the car around and going HOME! Jun 2nd, 2008 9:40:00 am - Subscribe
I am free. Free in my own mind. Whirling, swirling, twirling in happiness. Light as air, too far from the ground with relief.

Soon, all this shall be over. I am returning to my first love: The english language.

I don't mean to discriminate and exclude the many other beautiful languages out there, this is, simply, the only language that I have... I am returning HOME, to myself.

I am changing paths, a little, again to become more myself.

My life is a stone and I am carving myself out of it pebble by pebble. I am closer to my dream. I have accepted fate. I like it. I love it... I have gained all I need here, and am ready to move on.

I made this decision today, and it made the world make sense. I am becoming again, what I always was deep down. THANK FUCK!

Perhaps, just maybe, (the bald man had no hair), this therapy caper is working. I can see the self satisfaction seeping out of my therapist when I make progress, but I refuse to get into that... not now. I can't corrode this.
0 Comments
Mood: Happy

imaginary endings and battles. Jun 2nd, 2008 2:59:43 am - Subscribe
I'm supposed to be writing paragraphs on UN peacekeeping missions right now, but I am a mess. If I don't write I will soon fall apart.

I can't put these thoughts into any organized or elegant narrative - they must come out, unpolished as they are.

In three days I am graduating from high school - but it's more than that. In three days I am marking my departure from the place I have grown up, the school I have attended for twelve years, the people I love and am close to. I am saying goodbye.

Well, sorry, but I'm quite abysmal at saying goodbye in general. This is why I am a mess. In my heart, I am ready to leave. In my brain and the parts of me that determine my emotional state, I don't know what my life is like without that place and those people. This is the end of my childhood and adolescence. I'm going to be a basket case. I have been feeling weepy for weeks already.

THEN, putting aside the significance, there's the actual event itself. I don't think I have obsessed this much over a single evening in the course of my life. It's getting ridiculous.

The thing is, I know it will be fun. But I also know there is no possible way for me to avoid dwelling on the subject of my date during the evening.

There really is nothing wrong with my date - except for who he isn't. Believe me, I appreciate the fact that he exists (in the form of my date) at all.

It's just that I envisioned my grad very differently. And it hurts. Because it was so important, and now I don't have a clue what it will be like. I don't think aforementioned date likes me very much as a person, which kind of takes the sparkle of possibility off of things, right? Not to mention that my self-esteem has taken a dive recently and I can't actually imagine anyone looking at me in a good way anymore. I wish I was small, quiet, pretty and fun. I'm not.

I try hard to love myself, but the main problem there is that my love isn't good enough for me. I need to be loved by other people. I want appreciation so badly. Yes, I am glad to have been asked to go to grad. I don't care too much about what the intent was, but I am fairly sure it was a just-as-friends invite, which is good all things considered. I just wish I could feel beautiful or confident or AT LEAST comfortable, or be attractive for the evening and feel wanted. How is that going? So far, it isn't. I look at myself and I don't see much that is beautiful or that I can feel confident in. I just see that my arms are fat and I can't dance and no one will look twice at me because my personality isn't exactly a beacon.

I think this could just be a bad day. I think that earlier in this week I told myself I was happy the way I am. Well, a day of bra shopping is bad for my self-image, for sure. And that scale having been broken hasn't exactly helped.

Being "nice" isn't good enough any more. I am through with being wanted around because of my "nice"ness. Once I graduate from Westmount, I will lose everyone that knows me as me. Maybe that means I don't have to be "nice" anymore. Maybe I can be pretty or fun or interesting or creative instead of "nice".

The problem there is that I AM "nice". That would be me. I am not especially anything else. My most noticeable quaility is compassion and kindness. I know that is a good thing. I am glad that people recognize it. I just wish that there were some other good reasons to keep me around, you know?

Anyway... I'm done, I think. I'm not happy with the scale; it's not aiding me in the battle to love myself.

Clarity is most definitively needed.
0 Comments
Mood: shutting down.

tron all hail the shiny May 31st, 2008 12:02:42 pm - Subscribe
When did dressing like a slut get glamorous? There's a few questions on my mind that I'd like the general public, or society as a whole to answer for me. This is the first of them.

If you put on something skimpy from an op-shop or something that's hand me down no matter how good condition its in, you're trashy. If you buy the same kind of thing new, and cover it in diamonties than your classy? Well maybe its not that simple. You do have to slick your hair down and make sure you're clean, and there's a certain implied elegance in 'class' but essentially, you're either all hanging out there, or 'creating the illusion' of all hanging out there, and realistically isn't that one of the trashiest things you can do?

Firstly, that last sentence was far too long. Secondly, its wrong to judge, out loud. People don't like to feel like they're being judged, but we all do it. We rely on the external appearances of others to make those split second judgements about how much value they might be to us. We are, after all, social capitalists. We all are, regardless of your economic viewpoint. But this is beyond my original point.

My point was about class, and the seeming lack of it when all your body parts are on display. I sometimes think that animals have it much easier when it comes to appearance, but whatever, that's another post.

So back to class. I guess its all about the presentation of a message. See, to me, looking beautiful without the perfect body, without the mint of money, that's something. Its easy to 'scrub up nice' if you never get dirty. For me, I like those hard won battles. And I don't like diamonties. There's something a little bit trivial about overtly worshipping those 'shiny things'.

I guess what I'm trying to say amongst this very tired prattle, is that its the messages that are hard won that count. Its the person who took the effort to say what they wanted without compromising that impresses me.

Anything can live up to this high ideal of mine: art, music, dance, drama, literature, conversation... taking the time to get the message out there without using cheap tricks will always seem more classy, elegant, sophisticated to me than all the diamonties, or even diamonds real or metaphorical you can dish up...

Tron
0 Comments
Mood: spectacular

end-of solitude. May 23rd, 2008 2:42:51 am - Subscribe
a sanctuary lost.

no longer
can I stand alone.
there is no comfort
in solitude.

my voice, once
the most steadying
sound in my world,
no longer speaks to me.

there is no shelter
left for me,
nor in me.
I seek respite in you.

turn me not away.
1 Comments
Mood: stressed.

tron break my heart again, for old times sake. May 22nd, 2008 11:17:44 am - Subscribe
Every time I sit down to write something here I come up against a wall. It is made of reasons not to write, reasons to just walk away from this...

the foundation is a loyalty to paper, and a fear of readers. Its a judgement avoidance. It is cemented to the next layer by a conviction that I have nothing to say. The next layer is the certainty that the whole exercise is futile... wasteful of so many things... time, energy, thoughts, little pieces of myself so optimistically cast into the world and lost in the swamp of other people's needs... need to be recognised, need to be loved.

the wall builds itself up higher and higher with layers of failed attempts... and is decorated by my own self scorn and my distaste for the process.

The wall protects me from you all... and traps me within myself.

there is so much to say. and no reason at all to say it to anyone. I am utterly convinced that no one is listening. I am utterly convinced that the exercise of opening up to others does little more than push them away further from me in the times when I need them the most.

I am tired of listening.
I am tired of not listening.
I am afraid of not hearing
I am terrified of not being heard.

There came a point when, without the structured inescapable environments to pressured people closer and closer through their shared captivity, I realised that I had lost the capacity to connect in meaningful ways to those around me.

I am ready again to trust someone, completely, but how do I find that someone? How do I reach out and find someone who would not see me as a burden? I need that person with the right mix of empathy and understanding, interest and forgiveness, similar experiences, and self resolve... the right person... someone to be very close to and share with. I am ready for a new friendship. I am ready to nourish and be nourished... but I am behind so many walls.

How do you reach out to people?

This seems like a first step.
2 Comments
Mood: wonderful

imaginary selfish. May 21st, 2008 1:42:19 am - Subscribe
7.17pm
Unfortunately, I find I am no longer able to mask the truth of my own selfishness.
I am a terrible, self-centered individual so absorbed in my own emotional twists and turns of drama that I do not heed anyone else's feelings.
How did I get this way?
The problem is not that I want everything I keep for myself. I don't think I am really greedy. However, I can't let things go. I am afraid to have nothing left; to be entirely alone and unwanted - so I keep what I can as long as possible. If I'm holding onto three different threads at once, it doesn't matter as much if one or even two get pulled out of my grasp, right? Chances are, all three won't be lost at once.
But if I let the other two go of my own will and then lose the last one anyway, I won't have anything to hold onto.
What makes me a horrible human being is that knowing it isn't enough to motivate me to take less.
What is wrong with me?
1 Comments
Mood: worn down.