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end-of divided - Subscribe
a house divided
against itself
must fall.

and a life
divided?

sectioned into
fenced-off areas;

keeping pieces in
separate boxes -

mirror: I see
your mistakes
in both of
my own eyes,

so I never
get to be
whole, and I
never reconcile -

how can I?

halves, at odds,
are parts of you
and repel

if you
couldn't stay
together, then
how can I
unite
myself?

if you couldn't
love
each other,
how will
my own bonds
be strong enough?

two sides
recognize
each other -
I can't be one
when I
am both

the pressure
imploding
divided, like you,
against myself,
I fall

I am not
equal
to the sum
of my parts,
so I fail

you shield
your flaws
from blame, and
history repeats:
I fall

divided,
like you, but
against myself,
my fate
is sealed:

I fall.
0 Comments
Mood: at odds.

end-of change. Apr 24th, 2011 4:25:52 pm - Subscribe
before towers
took root;
before train tracks
splintered out
like veins,

the rolling foothills,
the river valley
belonged
to the man at
the station

who asks if I
can spare a dollar,
because I
remind him of
his daughter.

he explains where
I can catch my bus
(I look lost)
he says

he's been there
all day
hoping to net that
spare change -
no luck yet.

and all I can see
is the prairie - once,
before the sidewalks,
before the stores.

that's the kind
of change
we hand out
to those who wait.

I remind him
of his daughter -
but I'll look after
my father
for all of his days;

and this daughter
has let him down,
just like the land that
should have been his.

I don't have a dollar
to give him, so I go,

but my soul stays
beside him -
on a bench at a station
in a city on the prairie -

also hoping
for change.
0 Comments
Mood: regretful.

end-of erosion. Apr 16th, 2011 11:36:12 pm - Subscribe
all of it
beyond me
now, floating
away

I'm trying
to learn
that I
can't stay -

yet I still
reach back,
grasp the next
solid thing
I know
to be true

and feel it
dissolve -

the foundation
I'm built on is
washing away;

all of my
elements
unstitched,

I'm adrift.
0 Comments
Mood: lost.

end-of all things Apr 3rd, 2011 11:03:45 pm - Subscribe
an education
in the fine art of
goodbyes;

a lesson
in loving
and letting go.

acceptance:
last to arrive
in sorrow -

the passing
of all that I
thought I held.

teach me
how to let go,
and release me.

I open my
hands - finally,
freefall -

I see now:
all things are
transient.
0 Comments
Mood: hopeful

end-of alternate Mar 26th, 2011 10:17:10 pm - Subscribe
gravity intensifies
my orbit
slipping
sideways

until you become
the centre
drawing me in
spinning me round

these parallels
|the things |
|that might |
|have been|

the membrane
between
alternate worlds

force you
into being,
in the future,

and to exist
a little closer
to my core.
0 Comments
Mood: hopeful.

end-of wings Mar 23rd, 2011 3:22:27 am - Subscribe
and I don't know
why you
should have
any hold on me now

except once
in your eyes
I saw the sky
reflected

and though I
could never see
beneath
your surface

for a moment
at least
I knew
your mind

though you
elude me
when I try to
look deeper

I yet sense
your longing;
your intention
to fly

earthbound
as I am,
you fill me
with wonder

the rush of
your intensity
and inscrutable
ways,

subtle hint of
your darkness
drawing me,
inexorable,

and the thrill of
the thought
of a moment
upon your wings.
0 Comments
Mood: overtired.

end-of reality Mar 21st, 2011 3:20:06 pm - Subscribe
(in my dreams)
no time at all
has passed
so I go and
I find you
and there you are,
before me

(and in dreams)
there are miracles
so I end up
in your arms
how could it be
otherwise?

(and in my dream)
you open the door
and I see your face -
so perfect -
and I'm relieved:
you're real.
I thought it might have been a...

and I wake
(of course)
in a room I recognize
and you're a million miles away
not knowing I think of you
nor that I ever did

I find your photograph
and there, your perfect face
not smiling for me -
only in dreams
do you look at me that way.

(and you
are far away
and I...
don't want to wake.)
3 Comments
Mood: frustrated.

end-of unlearning. Dec 5th, 2010 10:17:31 pm - Subscribe
unlearning
what came with the price
what I paid dearly to know:
that life has walls and
you stay in yours
once you find them

unlearning
ways of seeing
to bleed away
the poison
of thinking I
know anything
at all

unlearning
to remember
what the words were

like the bloody elves
and that idiot shoemaker,
words turned the world for me
until I looked for them
to find they were never there

I'll lie here
in the dust of my ruins
serenading poetry
until it returns

I'll unlearn every
snare, every trap and trick
to capture words
taught by every teacher
of every creative art

until I return
to the base
of the temple
of language

where I worshipped
before I believed
I was god

I'll take any oath
submit myself to
be blinded from the eyes
of the world at my door

I cast the jury
from inside my head
to judge my feelings
no more

becoming stone
in silence
until the universe
is gone from here

until I remember
that once, ages past,
I was a poet
in my soul

until I recall
where my soul is
and that writing's
in my very blood

I'll continue
unlearning
until I'm worthy
of the words' return.
0 Comments
Mood: wistful.

fiona Oh lord Jun 10th, 2010 12:13:38 am - Subscribe
Why am I always so tired? I am supposed to be taking the world by storm, standing up for myself, making a million, wowing and zowing everyone--yet I canny get my arse in gear to go to the shops for anything.

Why do I come back over here to complain? Because NO ONE reads this over here. It's just me, wandering around in an empty room, and I can say anything I please and no one will care.

It's just like in real life. :(
2 Comments
Mood: unhappy

fiona Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold May 9th, 2010 5:24:10 am - Subscribe
Yes, I can hear a few of you saying, 'O rite, there's Fiona bitching about things falling apart again'. But seriously, I am not getting any younger! It seems like I have had this wee blog for YEARS and YEARS. I will have to look to see when I signed up--but it seems like a lifetime ago, and things are in some ways better (I am not living in that horridly disgusting place anymore) but in some ways on the slippery slope going down down down. :(

I would like to be able to come on here some year and say I have all my shiznit together and have a wonderful life with a great husband and 2 and one half wonderful children and a job I do in my spare time which makes me a million pounds a year!

Alas, none of that is true nor is ever likely to be. *sob*

So I will just say that at least, thank God, I still have the internet and can remember random lines from Yeats' poetry. w00t!
0 Comments
Mood: calm yet tired
inspiration: who else?

end-of better unsaid. Mar 26th, 2010 1:13:10 am - Subscribe
every
passing day
and

every day
breathlessly
lingering

these words
try to leap
from my lips

it's getting
harder
not to say

and when
I open to
your knock

the relief
makes my
knees weak

and when again
we part
at last

you leave me
with the
sweetest ache

you make sure
to leave
a space

for me to
feel you still
within

every day
passing
or standing still

it's getting
harder
not to say

the words
leaping from
my helpless lips:

I love you;
don't go away -
I want you to stay.
1 Comments
Mood: helpless

end-of lifelines. Dec 17th, 2009 6:21:15 pm - Subscribe
lifelines:
veins on
the back of
a fallen leaf

lifelines
that reach
across my palm
lifelines -
veins beneath
the skin
of my wrists

lifelines
you throw me
from dry land
as I drown
you don't see
my wrists
are bound

lifelines
I used to tie
my hands
together
believing I'd
never go under

life -
the blood
that pulses
through
lines -
the veins
beneath
my skin

lines
you throw
to save my
life
as I
let go

lifelines:
veins on
the back of
a fallen leaf

which floats,
then drifts
into the deep.
0 Comments
Mood: sinking.

end-of wake. Dec 16th, 2009 6:35:20 pm - Subscribe
[a dream
of being
held
home
loved

a dream of
sunlight
candleglow
afterglow

of morning
and night
and city lights
green leaves

a dream
of being loved
by you
being home.]

only

a dream...
I am awake now
and once again,
alone.
1 Comments
Mood: hollow.

end-of elixir. Nov 9th, 2009 4:15:47 pm - Subscribe
once
this was
the miracle elixir
it was the
draught of life

once
this was
the fountain
from which
all things
sprang forth

now
so dark, so sweet
the drink that
keeps me gasping
venomous addiction
stealing my light

now
this desiccated waterway
runs with rust
and the blood
of the life
it once begot.
0 Comments
Mood: meh.

end-of knowing. Sep 16th, 2009 4:55:34 pm - Subscribe
so
small

in the face
of your
past and pain

so helpless
I'd give you
my life

to live again

things I saw
in your eyes
never needed
explained

without
knowing you
I know who
you are


I can't give you a miracle.
I can't keep you alive.
I will not forget this.

You'll stay with me for a long time.
0 Comments
Mood: so sad.

end-of what i see: Sep 9th, 2009 6:16:23 pm - Subscribe
what i see in you
i see in myself
and it's dark
like a room
where you're not listening
to the lights
telling you where to go
and what not to bang into

what i see in you
i see in myself
and i smash the mirror
because i can't face it
not in myself
and not in you

what i see in you
i see in myself
and want to hurt you
because you're
supposed to be wiser
than i am
so where are you leading me?

what i see in you
i see in myself
the reversal hurts
i can't look at you
disgusted by it
guilty of it

what i see in you
i don't see in myself
nor in my future
i'll learn from you
i won't let this become me.
0 Comments
Mood: furious.

end-of glass globe. Sep 1st, 2009 5:41:31 pm - Subscribe
a feeling of futility:

I, behind the
glass wall
not really
a part of
the bright lights
but separate
viewing
from here
the warmth and
the colour

I, within
the glass globe
here
inside my bubble
present but
isolated
safe but alone

I float in
my lonely way
out and over
the vast bay
preferring
observation
over any
involvement

I see you
below me
down there in
the mist
and come down
from my clouds
to be near you
if I knew how
I'd like to
let you in
but I don't want
to come out.

not touching,
not blending
not part of
anything
unwilling
to risk it
we embrace
and the glass wall
molds to
my shape
and if you
drop me
I'll break

but the
glass wall
remains.
0 Comments
Mood: unwilling.

end-of denial. Jul 15th, 2009 6:02:21 pm - Subscribe
I'm not in your
photographs,
living it up.
I don't appear.

I'm not in your
outbox or inbox,
as you never
sent me a word.

I'm not
in your thoughts;
you erase what
goes wrong.

I'm not part of you -
amputated,
alienated
and lied to.

I'm not your friend
and I let you down
leave me behind
so I won't find out.

Denial is not just
a river in Egypt, love.
Hope I'm there to hold you
when the boat goes down.
0 Comments
Mood: medium.

end-of respite. Jul 7th, 2009 7:00:57 pm - Subscribe
I will
draw you a map -
a topography of
suffering;
geography of pain.

I'll write you
a memoir
of what passed;
write headlines
on headstones:

I am here;
won't let anything
hurt you.
I will protect you.
you're not alone.
2 Comments
Mood: tired now.

end-of immortalize Jun 26th, 2009 5:33:08 pm - Subscribe
immortalize this:
waking in sunlight
your breath
on my skin

before this glow fades
feeling like
we are one
breathe together

you are holding me
not only in
memory
but all around

keep this forever
beyond all
that falls between
now and onward

I belong to
your skin now
I am here
we are one

this is a moment
that I will
never allow
to pass.
0 Comments
Mood: content.