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Well, this is my first entry (obviously), and I have recently gotten over my anti-blog opinions, that being said I'll get started. About myself, I'm a complete music freak not all of my stuff is emo perse (that's pur say in case you thought I typed purse ^_^) but I'll list off a few to give you a general idea of my taste: Modest Mouse The Used Phantom Planet AFI The Postal Service Cursive Blood Brothers There's just a quick 7 bands I'm addicted to. I read when I get the chance and am big on Japanese literature as well as anything done by Edgar Allen Poe. I'm an optimistic person, but living in this world can be a real punch in the face sometimes. It's like I'm watching people die right in front of me everyday, and there's nothing I can do to help them because they fade too fast. I'm a real Bible beater in case you don't know, so my beliefs come first in pretty much every situation. I'm tired of feeling useless and I really have a desire to go out and help the mental ruts, starting from the inside out.......first with my attitude/habits then on to the strangers of the world. Finally, I've becom sick of the wasted time I've already used, I knew I would come to this realization sooner or later but I've fought it off for so long it feels really strange. Kind of ironic I describe myself as optimistic yet I'm full of self hatred. It feels really good to get emotions out right now, I finally understand why people make blogs and I hope for this to be the first of many. To all my family, friends and future friends know that I love and care for you all! |
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Ahh, another entry a bit late but it still counts. I feel so refreshed, it's like waking up in a warm bed on a winter morning, I just feel like everything that was wrong 2 days ago is straightening out perfectly. It's still very much a work in progress, but I've never felt so whole in my life. Activities of the day......I lifted weights and wasted away on the couch soulsearching pretty much the whole time. Oh, but I did go to Starbucks (I rarely get out of the house after I broke my ankle), all in all the most profitable time I've ever spent sitting in one place. I've realized that even if you're not moving you can still make personal progress, this may sound dumb but I always viewed progress through personal activity, this realization has been very liberating. I have also come to find that I have many outlets for dealing with my emotions, I'm such an emotional person yet I don't show it. I guess it's fear of man that I'm fighting at this point, having finally come to terms with it has allowed me to reach a new level of self expression. I find myself wanting to break the image of a typical Christian, I feel like I have to prove that whether you're tattooed/pierced all over or whatever that that doesn't make you a bad Christian. Well, at this point I'm at cloud 9 and I don't seem to be leaving for quite a while. Oh and if anyone cares I'm currently listening to The Bravery ^_^ |
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Wow, it seems everytime things get worked out I come into an even bigger trainwreck, this time it's all internal and has nothing to do with the outside world. I'm not physically sick or anything, but my head is severely screwed, I don't know myself half as well as I ever thought I did and I question nearly everything I do now. This is nothing new to me though, it happened when I was about eight years old and lasted till I was twelve, hopefully I'll bounce back faster this time. Even if I don't I'll be the happiest confused person ever, because joy is my favorite facade. I've been smacked with school lately, but none of that matters at this point, the things in this world I'm finding useless such as money, formal education......everything except faith and people at this point. I've also found out that I'm terrified of dying alone, I'm also scared to death of commitment which is why I'm an eighteen year old virgin who has yet to get a girlfriend. It's not like I haven't had offers in the past, or that I haven't thought about it, it's just that I'm afraid of hurting someone. I guess all the confidence and strength I portray to the people I know is completely fake, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm stuck between two places, eventually I'll either crumble or shoot out from the pressure. I've recently been thinking about how my house will look once I get one, I've decided to get a smaller place but I want to decorate it like a mansion, victorian style.....the works. Maybe I'll even have a room full of mirrors and black lights, that'd be incredible. Anyway, I've been listening to My Chemical Romance and Cursive lately, that'll do it for today hopefully I'll get another entry in here in under a week. Love all you guys/girls! |