Lost myself.......again....
Date: Aug 28th, 2005 5:12:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: empty
Wow, it seems everytime things get worked out I come into an even bigger trainwreck, this time it's all internal and has nothing to do with the outside world. I'm not physically sick or anything, but my head is severely screwed, I don't know myself half as well as I ever thought I did and I question nearly everything I do now. This is nothing new to me though, it happened when I was about eight years old and lasted till I was twelve, hopefully I'll bounce back faster this time. Even if I don't I'll be the happiest confused person ever, because joy is my favorite facade.
I've been smacked with school lately, but none of that matters at this point, the things in this world I'm finding useless such as money, formal education......everything except faith and people at this point. I've also found out that I'm terrified of dying alone, I'm also scared to death of commitment which is why I'm an eighteen year old virgin who has yet to get a girlfriend. It's not like I haven't had offers in the past, or that I haven't thought about it, it's just that I'm afraid of hurting someone. I guess all the confidence and strength I portray to the people I know is completely fake, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm stuck between two places, eventually I'll either crumble or shoot out from the pressure.
I've recently been thinking about how my house will look once I get one, I've decided to get a smaller place but I want to decorate it like a mansion, victorian style.....the works. Maybe I'll even have a room full of mirrors and black lights, that'd be incredible. Anyway, I've been listening to My Chemical Romance and Cursive lately, that'll do it for today hopefully I'll get another entry in here in under a week.
Love all you guys/girls!
Comments: (1)
anonymous - September 09th, 2005 |