Hollowed out
Date: Oct 30th, 2005 4:20:46 am - Subscribe
Mood: tragic
Gah! It's happened again, after a long time without blogging I have completely re-emptied myself. I take on hobbies when I become overwhelmed with real life and I could probably spend days just staring at the sky. The only things I still feel that I hold onto are my bible and my music, and I feel tired and weak. After getting a mere 20 hours of sleep last week due to 2 jobs, and 3 tests I feel completely devoid of anything profitable. However I met a pretty cool coworker, and I'm constantly excited for the future. I'm also thinking about getting my ears pierced, although I might hold off for a while as I still have to go through my parents (I don't usually have the heart to overrule them). It feels kinda sad being 19 and still having to turn to them for permission, but I guess that's life for now.......as I said earlier I can't wait for the future *always looking ahead*.
Meanwhile, I think of all the friends I've known who have come and gone, I also think of those people I met who I should have been friends with but missed the opportunity. Don't worry, those of you who feel left out or rejected because I haven't called you, I plan to really soon......
Alright, well hopefully I will become filled soon, because while I hate this emptiness inside, I can feel myself getting attached/used to it and I know deep down that something has got to give.
In ending this session, I just want to say to those of you who even so much as view my blog, I wish you the best.
I've been listening to From First to Last and Snow Patrol.
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19th Birthday
Date: Sep 28th, 2005 3:45:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: placid
Wow, I had the craziest day ever, I went to school and worked all day, then came home and enjoyed time with the family. I had the perfect 19th birthday today, talking to and/or hanging out with the ones you love and getting everything you wanted and more, I really didn't expect today to go so wonderfully. I just wanted to take a moment here and reminisce over the past year, it's been great to make it this far and I can't wait to see what the future holds.
To some 19 is old and others it's young, but on this day and in this moment it feels perfect, I can't explain it....but I'm in an awesome state of peace right now.
Well, I wanted to mark my big day on the web so I could look back here in the future, love yall!
Oh yeah, and I've been listening to The Hives a lot.
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Awakened from slumber....
Date: Sep 22nd, 2005 3:40:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: confident
Well, guess who decided to show up, that's right......me! I've long been soul-searching for my blog downtime and have been enjoying my emotions once again thanks to someone (points to girl who's name starts with M and ends with A -_^). Yup, what a whole lot of good just a few words of encouragement can do. Now it's time for me to plug that message you've all heard over and over from someone who was probably on your case "Please get out there and help those who are down, just a smile, a wave or a simple statement could very well change the course of their life." I know that statement is completely movie-cheesy but it's surprisingly true and I had to learn from first hand experience!
Anyway, school is complete trash and I doubt the fruits of education as the weeks go on, but I still press on towards an awkward success. I've got a walking boot over a new cast (that my sister graffitti'd with a sharpie) so I'm officially mobile. My job isn't completely worthless after all and I've made some friends in unlikely places, so it's all good. I'm finally keeping up on my devotions (also known as Bible study time) which is boosting my confidence in my faith. Also, I'm starting to do things for myself, which is something I'd lost for quite some time, I always wanted to impress others, prove them wrong, etc.... but now I realize none of that matters. I can just do my own thing (within the rules of my faith), and take everyone elses opinions in stride. Wow, this must seem pretty obvious to a lot of people out there, but it really is a fresh discovery for me.
Thanks to all of you that helped me through the hard times, and sorry I haven't called you in a while!
Oh and out of tradition, I've been listening to Brand New and The Rasmus lately.
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Lost myself.......again....
Date: Aug 28th, 2005 5:12:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: empty
Wow, it seems everytime things get worked out I come into an even bigger trainwreck, this time it's all internal and has nothing to do with the outside world. I'm not physically sick or anything, but my head is severely screwed, I don't know myself half as well as I ever thought I did and I question nearly everything I do now. This is nothing new to me though, it happened when I was about eight years old and lasted till I was twelve, hopefully I'll bounce back faster this time. Even if I don't I'll be the happiest confused person ever, because joy is my favorite facade.
I've been smacked with school lately, but none of that matters at this point, the things in this world I'm finding useless such as money, formal education......everything except faith and people at this point. I've also found out that I'm terrified of dying alone, I'm also scared to death of commitment which is why I'm an eighteen year old virgin who has yet to get a girlfriend. It's not like I haven't had offers in the past, or that I haven't thought about it, it's just that I'm afraid of hurting someone. I guess all the confidence and strength I portray to the people I know is completely fake, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm stuck between two places, eventually I'll either crumble or shoot out from the pressure.
I've recently been thinking about how my house will look once I get one, I've decided to get a smaller place but I want to decorate it like a mansion, victorian style.....the works. Maybe I'll even have a room full of mirrors and black lights, that'd be incredible. Anyway, I've been listening to My Chemical Romance and Cursive lately, that'll do it for today hopefully I'll get another entry in here in under a week.
Love all you guys/girls!
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Looking up...
Date: Aug 21st, 2005 4:25:18 am - Subscribe
Mood: vibrant
Ahh, another entry a bit late but it still counts. I feel so refreshed, it's like waking up in a warm bed on a winter morning, I just feel like everything that was wrong 2 days ago is straightening out perfectly. It's still very much a work in progress, but I've never felt so whole in my life.
Activities of the day......I lifted weights and wasted away on the couch soulsearching pretty much the whole time. Oh, but I did go to Starbucks (I rarely get out of the house after I broke my ankle), all in all the most profitable time I've ever spent sitting in one place. I've realized that even if you're not moving you can still make personal progress, this may sound dumb but I always viewed progress through personal activity, this realization has been very liberating.
I have also come to find that I have many outlets for dealing with my emotions, I'm such an emotional person yet I don't show it. I guess it's fear of man that I'm fighting at this point, having finally come to terms with it has allowed me to reach a new level of self expression. I find myself wanting to break the image of a typical Christian, I feel like I have to prove that whether you're tattooed/pierced all over or whatever that that doesn't make you a bad Christian.
Well, at this point I'm at cloud 9 and I don't seem to be leaving for quite a while. Oh and if anyone cares I'm currently listening to The Bravery ^_^
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