Archives: March 2006
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zenithian Private Girl, Private World... - Subscribe
The main reason for creating this blog is to blog out my innermost thoughts and secrets that only I know...

I've been living seperate lives in one lifetime and so many facades I am undertaking that are so totally different from how others perceive me, they won;t believe I'm even capable of such.

I need a place where i can call my own where I can unlock the door to my inner self... and pour it all out, and even though people may be reading my entries i know that my identity is hidden and I remain anon.

The following entries will reflect my hidden thoughts, so well swept under the carpet, so fine the dust that no one can see it. So unusually me. My current active blog is not so active nowadays due to the hectic life i lead and also cos too many familiar readers that it is totally impossible to write anything anymore... what i so want to blog becomes a dangerous truth that will affect the people around me...it no longer remains a private affair.... hence this new and hidden blog.
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Mood: surreal

zenithian Confused.... Mar 7th, 2006 2:41:38 am - Subscribe
I'm confused....

So many roads in front of me.... but they all have a barrier I cannot cross but the one road that has no barrier is the one that I don't wanna cross at all....

Why is it something that feels right can feel wrong at the same time....?

WS professed his love to me even though he has never even met me but he has this strong idea that we will be together one day and even said he will wait for me till I say yes.... I don't know if we're both meant for each other... we're so different... I like him cause he is sweet and he sure know how to sweep a girl off her feet with his words...

ET on the other hand says he will come find me when he has settled his divorce with his young wife. I don't know how much truth is that in there...I'm so not interested in him... we're also worlds apart...so i might even reject him too...

AK... ah.. AK... we have this great thing going on... we like each other very much BUT... due to our long distance relationship.. he feels it might not work out and prefer if we remained friends... close friends unless i decide to do the almost impossible... leave SG and go live in IN with him... then we can start talking about a serious relationship.

I like AK alot... but i guess he is right about the whole long distance issue.... and I can't argue with him on that... he keeps asking me to go there to spend my holidays with him... but how am I gonna do that when my family is around to interrogate me for going there... it isn't an ideal place for a vacation though... and going alone to IN would make them even more concerned. I also have my own doubts about myself going on my own too... it is not a very clean place... and I could even get really sick...

Will I ever get any answers...?
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Mood: baffled

zenithian Bride and Prejudice 2 Mar 7th, 2006 9:07:53 am - Subscribe
Think AK and I can star in the sequel to Bride and Prejudice.

South Indian guy meets Asian Girl online, strikes a conversation, he tells her that he and his family is coming to her country for a holiday. She finds this exciting, she agrees to tell him more about her country and offers to help him out with taking he and his family around the place.

Guy and family comes to girl's country, girl meets them (him actually) at hotel. Girl was skeptical at first so asks her ex-boyfriend and now good friend along.

Guy and girl finally met face to face. Good vibes.... Girl realises ex boyfriend was with them, decided to keep conversation formal and short. It was late, girl and friend left for home and girl made arrangments to meet guy and family the next day to take them to the zoo.

The next day, girl met guy and family, guy told girl their digital camera got stolen while travelling, girl was feeling bad but guy tried to hide his disappointment and said to go hunting for another one nearby. Girl helped him search for a camera store in the area and was lucky enough to find one. They spent about 30 mins before he managed to purchase a good one.

Girl, guy and family rushed to the night zoo to make it to the attraction. Guy offered to pay for Girl's admission ticket, girl felt shy about it first feelings of attraction started...

They had a good time at the night zoo, rather romantic setting but guy's parents were around and hence guy and girl kept the conversation platonic, often exchanging glances of interest...

That night, when guy and family returned to the hotel and girl returned home, Girl called up guy to ask if they were ok and if they enjoyed their night. Guy said that they did and started a very long night conversation. From there.... the friendship blossomed into something more than platonic...

Girl could not meet guy and family the next day and was feeling bummed...guy too felt sad about not being able to see girl. They decided to meet on the second last day. Girl purposely took half day leave to meet them and girl decided to bring them to savour some local delicasies

Then the family wanted to go somewhere else for an indian dinner while guy wanted to go and try some typical asian food. So he told his family to go do their own thing while he made his own plans with girl... in the end girl and guy were alone (like finally) but.... girl was scared of being alone with guy so.... guess what... she asked her beloved ex bf along too... so that she could feel more secure. Guy was utterly disappointed. By this time, he was liking girl so much more and treasures whatever alone time he gets with her but due to her hesitancy, his plans were somewhat foiled.

Girl on the other hand, did like guy too but was not sure where this was heading... after all, this guy isn't local and long distance wasn't a good thing. She was afraid that it will lead to something uncalled for hence , the ex came into the picture. The girl was plain cynical about the whole situation.

Girl and guy had only about 1 hour of alone time before the ex met them. So during this time, girl and guy managed to talk (face to face) on a more lighter mood and flirtatious mood as well...the conversation was going sooo well that girl was starting to regret calling her ex to come.

Guy was trying so many times to express his attraction to girl but thought that girl was just treating him as a friend therefore, he held back. All due to her skepticality and the inability to express herself that soon to someone she hardly know. Girl knew that guy liked her from sensing his body language but she did not wanna let her guard down therefore the held up a strong front to give him the "just friends" impression on purpose.

Finally the ex came (they met at Chinatown), they headed to a chinese restaurant and ordered the famous dishes for guy to sample. He enjoyed the food very much and thanked the 2 of them for a wonderful evening although he secretly wished that it was just her he was thanking.

The last day of their trip arrived. Girl was working so could only see them off at the airport in the evening. She rushed to the airport after work, and managed to see guy and family who also just arrived from the hotel to check in their lugguages. There was sadness in guy's eyes... he won't know when he will see girl in person again. Girl on the other hand, was also sad but remained cynical about guy and thought that they were just gonna continue keeping in touch online the usual way....both of them did not know what was coming for them at that time.

Guy decided to go with the girl for a short coffee chat at Starbucks as they still had an hour before departure. His family wanted to just sit around and wait. Again guy and girl with some alone time.

Girl asked guy to promise her they keep in touch when he returns to India. He agrees and when it came to finally saying goodbye....he hugged her so tightly... she knew that it meant so much more...than just friends.... Girl also hugged him back equally tight.... and just before he was about to really take off to return to his family... he hugged a second time....they bade farewell..... and while in the train to somewhere else.... she started missing him...
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Mood: Nostalgic

zenithian Violent streak anyone? Mar 8th, 2006 7:34:51 am - Subscribe
Think there's always a violent streak in all of us.... just that we prevent it from shining through... That is called Self-Control.

Sometimes i do have thoughts of slamming people's faces to the wall, taking a razor blade to skin their lips and taking a chopper and hacking their heads from their bodies...just cos they piss you off or get on your nerves but those are just what you call....imagination..Pretty wild...

But careful... these thoughts if driven up the wall... might just manifest itself...and thats when people become criminals, murderers what not. When they are pushed to the limit by circumstances they can't handle...

Do you have a violent streak in you? I think its ok to have these thoughts as a form of release... but careful when you start to feel like you can actually pick up a knife and do it...
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Mood: somber

zenithian Wanna spread my wings and fly... Mar 8th, 2006 7:51:44 am - Subscribe
AK and I were talking last night and the subject of me going there this June got brought up...

He was expressing his disappointment about me not making any step to convince my folks about going to India. But the question here is how am I gonna approach the subject with them? They don't have a very bright impression of India with friends telling them its a dirty country and now with the recent news about bomb blasts, its gonna be even harder for them to agree to my trip...

Things would have been alot easier if I was living alone and my parents allow me to make whatever decision I want... but cos they dote on me the most and are most protective over me, its hard for them to accept the fact that their youngest and most brightest daughter wants to spread her wings and fly out of her cage and wants no one to stop her from doing so....

I guess I'm just so afraid of what they will think, that almost all my life, I have done the things they wanted me to do and not the things I myself wanna do. I've always tried my best to please them that in the end the one suffering is really me. And now with this decision to go to India for a holiday ALONE and to meet a guy there just sounds so ridiculous to them and surreal to myself....

And now on the other side... AK is sounding his disappointment about it cos I've been procrastinating this for so long (since last sept) Really made me feel guilty and bad about it....

Evil AK! Bleugh! angry.gif

He wants to take me to Goa....he said last night. I've done some research about that place online and it sure is romantic and beautiful... *dreams*

And if time permits he might even take me to see the Taj all the way up north.... He is willing to make all these arrangments as long as I make the flight down there...

cry.gif why is it soooo complicated???

Deep down I really wanna go cos I miss him so much.... but the thought about getting my folks permission is whats holding me back... and I should stop holding myself back to ask them.... or I will never be happy in life....
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Mood: hopeless