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Look, your smitten gaze I want for it yet hold back- Is God your master? |
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Today Abby saw me eating by myself, and she grabbed a fruit cup and sat down with me and talked for ten minutes. I was grateful, not only because I like talking to her, but because five people walked through just then, and I would have been embarrassed to be seen eating alone. I used to eat by myself all the time. How is it that- now I care? I always cared, didn't I? I guess it was easier to eat by myself, entertained by my own thoughts, than to try and share those thoughts with other people. Before Abby came, three people came through individually, and I greeted them all, and held a conversation with two. I had that song in my head, "I get knocked down -but I get up again." I've been so embarrassed, and so shy, and so reticent, and suddenly, I'm sick of it. You know how you can have transference of principles in your life? Like maybe you learn a negotiating technique at work and you try it at home and it works? I'm having transference of things that I learned in dance, and I'm applying it to talking. Rules like; there's give and take. Rules like; people might step on your toes, but that's not a valid reason to stay on the sidelines. Rules like; you have to stick with things if you want to be any good at them at all. |
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My friend Zeke likes chick flicks. I'll be talking to him and mention that I'm going to watch one, and he'll jump right on topic - "Oh, you mean the one with Lindsey Lohan? That is so cute. You'll really like it." I laughed. He knows this stuff better than I do. And he loves shopping. And I hate shopping. I asked him once which chick flicks he liked, and he said a list, and one of them was Lord of the Rings. "Lord of the Rings?" I said, "I don't think of that as a chick flick." And he said something like: "Well it has Orlando Bloom in it." I don't want my friend Zeke to be so girly that he likes Mr. Bloom. Especially since moving to the South, I've been worried that my personality has so much steel in it. But you know, it's part genetic and part beaten into me by my circumstances. It's not just going to evaporate now that I think of it as something of a liability. I cannot believe that "too much moxy" was a phrase applied to me. It just goes to show that truth is stranger than fiction, because I've been mousy quiet for what seems like forever. This Sunday I saw a guy worshipping during the praise music. He is younger than me. It blows me away when I see this, because I will be in love with one person or another, and I mean hard-out-of-luck in love, usually with a person who doesn't pursue God, or make godly and righteous living a priority, and when I see this younger man, my feelings for the person I want suddenly look small, like glancing through the far end of a telescope; I mean they practically go away - And the reason is: If a person doesn't spend time connecting himself or herself with God, s/he has a languishing soul; a spirit that is in drought. I like to see a man transported in the fullness that can be found in worshiping the Lord. Of course, it's kind of private. Between him and God, I mean. Seeing it, I'm kind of an interloper, but it makes me happy. |
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Mood: trippy What's up?: I had awsome peach pie yesterday with mounds of whipped topping. |
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I told my girls' bible study I wasn't going to be meeting with them any more. I said that I wanted to go to a larger bible study, but what I meant was a co-ed bible study. I've been trying to count the opportunity cost for the way I spend my time but it is very difficult. For instance, I want to join a Christian young people's group, but one that I know of meets on Thursdays and the other on Fridays, and I'm left asking myself do I want to give up my Friday dance class or my Thursday dance class and come up with "neither/nor" instead of yes and maybe. So it's tough. You'd think I'd have things figured out by now. The gals are going to the art museum this weekend, and I want to go, but I don't think I will. Samuel came today and redid the caulk on the bathtub. Paul was acting strange today, and he had that clingy/ sort of panicky feel about him, so I asked him, how was he feeling, because it was bugging the hell out of me, but he said he was fine, so then I thought maybe I imagined the whole thing. I just can't tell. |
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Mood: discouraged What's up?: Paul is singing, kind of disconcerted right now, so I think I was right, and he is feeling a little off today. |
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Today I tanned and colored my hair and got a haircut. I also bought a new pair of jeans. I tried out the hairagami barrette for the first time. It works great! I recommend it. I also bought new sunglasses and three pairs of earrings. Lots of things are on sale. One pair of earrings I bought looks cheaper than anything else I wear, but the colors were just right - they made my eyes "pop," meaning they really bring out my eyes. They don't draw attention to themselves, as in "what beautiful earrings," they draw attention to my eyes. There's probably a good spiritual lesson in there. I was really sad today because I ran over a squirrel. I wasn't sad for the squirrel, I was sad for me. I guess that's kind of creepy, but it had never happened to me before, and now I was sad that it had happened. I felt like the charmed life I had been leading was gone forever. I was near the fountain the other day, and I saw the shadows of the trees in it, and thought: "There is death." I moved away from the fountain so I would not stare into it, but ten minutes later found myself gazing into it again. I shook myself and moved away. A young boy looked at me carefully. "Are you ok?" he asked. |