I'm pretty good at leaving out details...
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So Niagara was pretty busy. We didn't actually go to the falls. The water park was the funnest part, and Kevin and I argued a lot. Oh and too much sex! Haha.. got my period way early because of it! DISLIKE. I'm pretty good at leaving out details... |
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I don't really write in here anymore because lately, if something bothers me, I write it in my new personal blog and then forget about it and move on. But I'm happy. Last night I realized how much I miss hanging out with people! My sister and I started watching Lost and it's pretty awesome, though time consuming. I finally started to catch up on some art projects and I feel so much more relieved. We're leaving to Niagara tomorrow and I'm pretty excited.. can't wait to fall asleep beside Kevin again. <3 |
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I feel stressed. I get art ideas on a regular basis, and they pile up in my sketchbook and on loose pieces of paper on my desk, but I can't finish all the other things I have to do... so I can't start any new projects. I can't take it. I have way too many ideas now. It's not even about how great the idea is... I just want to do all my ideas. I wish I had more time. Or help or something. |
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Today at an eldery woman was caught shoplifting. I got the opportunity to go sit upstairs in the room and do nothing. It was really sad though. She was 65 and had one of those motor wheelchair things, and she also had her grandson with her. She was "legally blind" and also said she had cancer. She looked so sad and scared. She kept telling the guy she's sorry, so many times, and that it's the first time she's done it. When the guy mentioned police she got so scared and seemed to almost cry. It really broke my heart. I understand that they said they gave her three chances to confess about it at the cash register (not sure what they asked) and that she lied a few times. Still, she has never done anything before, and here she was all shaky and scared with her grandson... they couldn't just spare this one soul? And all she was stealing was laundry soap. |
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I feel good. I'm excited for everything and for all the new ideas coming to my head. Gotta go get ready to see Kevin! ♥ |
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| this is it |
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| shaking lamps |
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hard to say, but i think... i think i'm wasting away. i've accomplished nothing today. i hope the feeling doesn't stay. |
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forgot to mention my dream, the night before last.. it was a plane dream, and the plane didn't crash! it was weird. i usually have plane crash dreams, or in dreams where i go to another country, my dream would skip the plane part! so this was weird.  i have a flower! gotta stop being so lazy. even my writing is getting lazy. |
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didn't accomplish much artistically today. or in any other way. i've been thinking too much about babies. yeah, don't ask. i'm just going to try my best to be happy. because why not? i already know that if i act upon my crazy thoughts and feelings, i'm going to end up self-destructing. i just have to keep fighting them, all the time. i like having somebody. |
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| how do i accept that i'm always going to be like this? |
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| with or without you |
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I felt pretty today! Completely accepting of myself. My hair was cute, too. I like days like this because I spend less of my day worrying about my appearance, and more of my day being confidently productive! I'm really tired though and need some rest. |
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I caaan't waaaait to do more graffitiiiiii!
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| still sad. |
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can't sleep. thinking too much about negative things. never ending cycles. self-hatred. futures forseen.  i don't think i could be what i wanted to be. more and more i just think i'm not capable. this is what i am. maybe i'll never accept myself. i guess that'll have to be okay. |
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| I realized that there are more and more personal things in my mind lately. Things I wouldn't post here, or in my real life journal. I still feel like I want to express them though, but I really don't know where. |
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I don't write in here as often anymore. Mostly because I've been busy doing a million other things, especially writing in my other blog. I guess I forgot to mention that Kevin and I are back together. We're doing good, but I think we're too physical and don't communicate enough - but we're doing something about that. During the last many months, I've become such a numb person. I kind of lost myself. I kind of got carried away with being a person I wasn't, instead of just completing things one at a time. I think I'm getting better now though. I'm not numb anymore... I can feel a million things again and it's overwhelming. I can listen to a song for the very first time and I can feel a thousand things, experience memories that I've never lived, and feel the strongest feelings. It's so overwhelming, but it's also amazing, and I know that there are plenty of people out there who live completely outside of their mind and they don't feel and experience these amazing things. At least I feel like I have something amazing. I'd definitely prefer having my mind over having a beautiful appearance. I got asked to be a photographer for my friend's dad's media group and I'm excited but also nervous since I'm clueless. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. I still can't decide what I want to be good at though. I know I want to learn photography... but I want to learn so many other things too. There's too many things that I like. It's so weird, how I changed from being an absolute nobody who did nothing with themselves, into somebody who every day feels like they want to accomplish something. Today I drew out a little comic book for my friend for school. It was just a favour, and I didn't think it would take so long but it took pretty much my entire day. That's okay though, I'm glad I helped out. OH! I also just realized.. that since I have so much in my agenda and so many plans, I actually usually end up doing NOTHING. How does that work? Well, I often make lists of the things I want to do.. and then I get set on doing it.. and then while I start, I remember other things I have to do soon - possible more important ones. Or, new ideas come into my head and I always get so anxious to do new ideas first before they die on me. Or I also get other people asking me to do things, like tomorrow I have to make a website for my dad! Hopefully one day I won't be so complicated. |
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| I could have saved his life but not my own.. |
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you're the best and the worst, but it's just me |