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Hey hey everybody. Well, everyone seems to have had quite the good xmas so far. My girlfriend did, Amanda and boyfriend did, and many other people you dont know did. I did too, I suppose. I got to go hunting with my dad, and with college I get precious few chances to spend time with him. Even though I have a suspected hairline fracture in my foot, it was worth tromping around the woods from sunup to sundown. I really do love my dad, my mom too for that matter. But I digress. You know its weird, when I was growing up, everyone thought I was deprived because I dont celebrate xmas, and they were like, 'you must be so sad'. I never have been though. I see people go from holiday to holiday, and wet themselves over each one, and I realize that I was actually kind of lucky that I grew up as I did. Of course, it makes me glad when people have a good christmas, or whatever holiday it happens to be, but I have never had to look forward to a holiday to keep me going. I dont know, I guess that when you dont have a dedicated time for getting gifts, it makes getting just the random ones a lot more meaningful. All that aside, the sales put my mom in a buying mood, and she got me a suite leather jacket that I love. It rocks my socks.And tomarrow, I think I might go and pick me up an ecksbocks. That should keep me away from my studies quite effectivly! I guess the only thing that would really make it all complete right now is if my sister was here. I was going thru my gmail looking at old emails, and I found several of our correspondances from before she died, and I just sat there thinking, "wow, it would be awesome if she was here, and I could call her up and just talk for a good long time, or maybe take a trip down to the cities over break and spend a weekend with her." But then I come back to reality and set those wishes aside, because as much as I want it to happen, I know it wont. I really do miss her more than anyone could ever predict. And the thing is that no one could tell it by looking at me. I dont keep it all inside, I will tell people that I miss her. The only time it ever all came gushing out was when I had a few too many shots of Bacardi, and I saw the picture of Leah that I have in my room, and I just couldnt stop myself. I walked out of the room, went to a seldom visited lounge and found a dark corner and cried. I just couldnt stop. At that moment, I couldnt think of the happy times the way I usualy can, all I could think of was that she was gone, and was never coming back. And so I sat there, glad that I was alone, but wanting desperatly the company of the one person who would never come. That really hurt. Finally, I got enough of a grip to pull myself together and head back to my room. I was still obviously not in a happy mood, and as I got of the elevator, some random girl said "dont be sad, be happy". Any other time, that would have been good advice, but it set things in my head in motion again, and I it almost felt like getting suckerpunched. I got down to my room, and my girlfriend's roommate, who had lost her stepmother that very day a year before, was there, and again I couldnt hold it in. Once again, I just wanted to get away, but Nikki stayed with me, and after a minute, I was very glad that she did. Except for the day I got the news that Leah had died, that was the only time I had ever cried thruout the whole ordeal. That was, without a doubt, also the hardest night of my life, save the night when we got the bad news. That night all the hurt, and sadness, and despair that hadnt gotten to me before, found a weakness in my emotional defense, and exploited it. I wanted her back so much, and then instantly following that thought, the thought that I will never see her again. I love her so much, and she is gone. just gone. I guess that I really needed to get this out, because it kind of feels a lil better now. Anyway, Im sure than none of you wants to read about this any more, so change of subject? Groovy. Yeah, tomarrow should be fun. Me and MJ are going to pick out a tux for snowball. Its a semiformal, but I dont care, I miss the high school formal dances, and Im getting a tux!Geeze, today MJ dragged me into stores I never thought I would go to. Deb, Victoria's Secret, and some other store with nothing but teen womans clothes, the name escapes me. Blah! I hope I never have to do THAT again! Oh well, I really should sign off now, i think my friend might be trying to call (damn dial up!)
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) are back home. Its so boring here without people! I guess people make the college life what it is. Free cable and high speed internet is great, but without anyone else, its just stuff. Oh well, i get to venture the one mile to my house in a while. Then its vacation till the 18th. Thats just a lil bit better than my high school breaks used to be. Oh well, time to pack.