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just_jes tears that have got to fall - Subscribe
the news just keeps on coming.

the drowning feeling is back, something i can't control...the feeling that the world is collapsing on you, pressing down on your chest, slowly sucking the life out of you.

i was told that it wasn't working out between us, and she told me i needed to leave. she wasn't kicking me out, but apparently i have issues...it makes me sound insane. i'm not insane, just hurt, and scared, and overwhelmed, and well, overworked.

out of touch. i've been listening to old favorites. damien rice, sondre lerche, badly drawn boy, all artists from across the pond...maybe its a sign, i should just go, pick up all of my roots and transplant...there's nothing for me here anymore, everythings changed.

i sit and cry everyday wondering what went wrong, then i get up and dry my tears and move on to class, and i put on my front, to let the world know i'm ok, but i'm not.

do you see past the veil i hide behind?
i feel myself opening up and being more receptive, but will it make a difference for where i want to go?

i'm a lost sheep.
3 Comments
Mood: jumbled
excellent song: delicate- damien rice

just_jes the terrifying nature of my life Sep 19th, 2005 12:50:46 pm - Subscribe

things have got to change. but they seem to be constant.

constant in sorrow, in tears, in anger, in not belonging.

i'm not sure what to do anymore, or who to turn to. the person who i talk to the most wants something that i can't give them, and it saddens me that i don't have the courage to tell them.

i have to drive to through the cities by myself on friday or thursday night, either way, its scary and no one will be there to help me through it.

because i'm alone.

i'm an island.
2 Comments
Mood: haunted
excellent song: lightning- keaton simmons

just_jes ew, and yuck. Sep 12th, 2005 9:17:31 am - Subscribe

so saturday i went out to dinner with Benny and his dad, and his dad's girlfriend, and her daughter, Annie. that was traumatic in itself, but apparently his dad think "i'm gold"

sunday i worked all fricken day in grill, and it sucked ass so hard core.

then i went home and watched the vikings almost win, but then they got an interception and we missed our slim chance to win the first game of the season...buggering tampa bay defense...

my mom and i are in a funk again. oh well, somethings never change. and its so fricken hot in duluth...seriously, its fall....for me at least...lets have some fall weather.

then i decided that i needed a change, albeit a small one it is but still...i changed my purse. its smaller and fits better in my backpack and i love it because my aunt got it for me in guatemala. and it has a tortuga on it.

i don't care if i used spanish. i love spanish. so there. lol

anyway, love you guys, and i miss you too!

Jes.
1 Comments
Mood: gross
excellent song: she\'s a rebel- green day

just_jes isn\'t it funny... Sep 6th, 2005 10:53:39 pm - Subscribe
...how life can take a turn?

i'm dating Benny, finally after months...almost a year.

i feel like a horrible person though. its just wrong, and sad at the same time.

i just feel like i'm stretched to my limits right now. i'm getting a cold, and i don't know how to act around Ben.

its sad and strange and weird.


J.
2 Comments
Mood: special

just_jes cloudy days Aug 25th, 2005 11:37:25 pm - Subscribe
ok, so guess who just got sick of her boyfriend?

i swear its like a disease...i got out with them for a certain period of time...then, BOOM, Jes doesn't like them anymore.

and the sad thing is, i don't even feel bad.

this is why i'm scared to start anything with anybody else...maybe i'm broken on the inside.

oy. and i'm currently not liking my mom right now either...its just a bad week...bad summer...bad school year....(i can just tell it will be)...

oy.
0 Comments
Mood: hella
excellent song: given to fly-pearl jam

just_jes the sun. Aug 22nd, 2005 7:57:08 pm - Subscribe
my brothers are over here, and rolling around on the floor next to me, doing kindergarten-like gymnastics...i wish i could warp back to their age for a day, they have it so easy, they don't even know.

if i was ben's age again, i would tell someone how i felt about them...yes, yall, i regret not doing that.

but.

i also regret what i did this past april. the "bastardly act" wasn't directed towards me. i was probably the cause of it...i don't understand how i can feel so strongly about someone, then get so cold when i'm with them....its scary, and confusing.

i love my boyfriend, he's one of a kind....sure he's going to be a military zombie this year, and for like the rest of his life, but god, i just can't even think about telling him that i'm unsure...because my visitor was late like almost by a week...and that episode i had earlier this week....i thought for sure it meant something serious, something that i would regret...which makes me absolutely sure that i don't want to do any fooling around for a long time...at least until i'm in a secure and mature relationship.

i just get so confused. especially recently. with all of this new info i've found out from someone, it changes things, it sort of cleaned me for lack of better words.

so dear friends, here i rest with disappointment and regret, collide, lying awake at night, cuz its too important...
0 Comments
Mood: hollow
excellent song: wake me when september ends- green day

just_jes blackouts and bitchouts Aug 21st, 2005 4:26:35 pm - Subscribe
so yesterday morning, i woke up at 630 to get ready for work, and when i was brushing my teeth, i started shaking, and then there was a cold sweat that i had, my vision blurred, and i felt so faint...it scared the shit out of me.

not to mention the stabbing pains in my gut that pretty much raped me all day. it sucked.

then i got bitched out by my mom, because she doesn't like who i talk to. she said that if i keep on talking to this said person i would have to find another place to live...give me a fucking break.

anyway, my boyfriend is pissed at me because i'm working tonight, instead of hanging out with him...seriously, i'm not in the mood for his pissiness....we can watch movies any night of the week...besides all he wants to do anyway is fool around...which i don't want to because i have a visitor for 5-7 days.

grr...boys and bitchy girls...ugh.
1 Comments
Mood: pissed off
excellent song: the secret- maroon five

just_jes don\'t lie Aug 19th, 2005 6:13:27 pm - Subscribe
so i've been watching tv all day.
this is a sad state of affairs. i come back into town to work, and they don't give me any hours. ugh.
i may as well just go back over to the lake with barney, because at least he misses me.
i've been hanging out with my mom, and i'm glad because we haven't seen each other all summer.

and apparently my cell phone doesn't ring, what is up with that?
i don't know what else to say.
1 Comments
Mood: angelic
excellent song: never ending math equation- modest mouse

just_jes driving habits Aug 17th, 2005 9:37:52 am - Subscribe
ok, so my driving habits aren't that bad are they?
last night my mom tells me that they suck, and someone that i know hates getting into a car with me because of how i drive.
that hurt.
i've been clean for accidents since september of last year, that's almost a whole year.
what a way to kick off the rest of my summer...um, not.
so tell me something to cheer me up.
i honestly would just like to curl up under a rock for the rest of my life...that's how great i feel today...go life....yeah, not.

ok, i'll be cheerful, at least my friends still love me.
4 Comments
Mood: kinda sucky
excellent song: last kiss- pearl jam

just_jes hey yall, i\'m back!! Aug 16th, 2005 4:11:19 pm - Subscribe
hi guys!!
did you miss me? i sure missed yall! last night was my first official night back in town and i hung out with manda, dustin, brita and sean.
it was a blast.
we went and saw the skeleton key...wow, it was good.

anyway, that's about it.

IM me!! or email me!

Love,

Jes
2 Comments
Mood: invincible
excellent song: given to fly-pearl jam

just_jes the end is near Jun 1st, 2005 2:03:54 pm - Subscribe
its here!!
its so close!

today was better. it just didn't drag like it usuallly did.

fud signed my yearbook.
that is so effing cool. ha!

um, yes, and i will infact be moving.

so bud can screw off at shopko....lol
jk...although...haha nevermind


that is weird though...who gets off in the intimates department at shopko? honestly?!?
0 Comments
Mood: trippy
excellent song: jack johnson- belle

just_jes the last few days May 31st, 2005 9:56:22 am - Subscribe

the last few days
have quickly flown by
the worries i've had
were forgotten
but only temporarily
i returned yesterday
to pick up the pain
that i left behind
only to plan
a way to escape
the time is near, the waiting is
almost done.
things are looking up
and my feet are firmly planted on the ground
you said things were going to be different
things really haven't changed
except i have hope
where once i had dismay
i wish to leave behind my anger
and put a stop to this disease
the gloominess inside that's
slowly taking over me.
0 Comments
Mood: wise
excellent song: soft- kings of leon

just_jes windswept May 25th, 2005 1:59:29 pm - Subscribe
windswept
that's how i feel
sitting in front of the damn fan
my hair is being gently blown into my face
it makes me feel calm
even though the tv shows pictures of another distaster, a sick baby, a monster fish
i wish the fan, could blow my troubles away
take away all the reasons why i dont care
i need to care
but i don't see a point.
all my years are over, the classroom door is closing
my future remains a question mark.
i know what i want, but how do i acheive
inner serenity
the peace of wise men, and long ruled kings
i want the calmness of an old woman in her prime
who only worries about the day she dies
the fact remains, that i'm so young
and troubled by outer forces
who can blame my longing for knowledge
that remains out of my grasp.
1 Comments
Mood: bothered
excellent song: no sugar tonight- the guess who

just_jes the light at the end of the tunnel May 24th, 2005 2:04:16 pm - Subscribe
its done
and over
the feeling is gone
i've distanced myself


in other words, i broke up with my boyfriend.

you should applaud me, it was a big step.


thanks for the comments on my last blog.
2 Comments
Mood: bewitched
excellent song: the reflex- duran duran

just_jes the hole May 23rd, 2005 1:59:50 pm - Subscribe

so i'm going to a counselor
to try to help me cope
my mom thinks i need to talk
to get emotions out
inside myself, i'm drowning
my friends are at the surface
screaming that they care
but its only me who i can help
and i'm frustrated with saying
"i don't care"
lack of sleep, and always down
seem to be my new M.O.
its sick, and sad, but i can't help
the things i think of, or do.
i long for a place
distant and far
and starry night, with warm breezes
clearly not this place where i sit
with a frown upon my lips
a furrowed brow
"this place suffocates
and my heart yearns me on"
words of a song held true and dear
remind me of a person once held near
but now a broken heart ensues
and i cannot endure
the pain i feel
the pain that's shared
with the one i still love.
3 Comments
Mood: uninspired
excellent song: chariot- gavin degraw

just_jes gone away May 20th, 2005 1:53:18 pm - Subscribe

my mind is gone, but my body is still here in person...

everynight i dream of the ocean, the waves crashing upon the shore lulls me to sleep.

i hear the crunching of the sand underneath my feet as i walk along the beach in twilight, and the darkness is all around me.

the only light is that from the moon and stars glinting off of the sea.

far out i can see creatures on the water, and across the beach, there are shells of creatures from the sea...

i can't wait for the day i finally get to be there...i lost my heart and soul to the ocean 2 years ago...i need to go back to be whole.
0 Comments
Mood: neurotic

just_jes its the pain inside that melts in love May 17th, 2005 1:55:26 pm - Subscribe

i'm dying to do something different.

i want to change, to leave something behind and start something new.

all that's here are memories that are old and full of anger.

the lives here are wonderful but affected.

i'd love to go to the east coast and just be there...with the ocean. a new start, a new area, a new location.

a new person.

if i leave, don't worry, i'll be in maryland.

meet me in maryland...meet me there.
1 Comments
Mood: flustered

just_jes love for the weekend of love May 9th, 2005 2:07:02 pm - Subscribe

prom was this weekend. and everything felt complete.

the happiness was there to share, with the smiling faces and the loving words.

the gyrating bodies, and sweaty dance floor is a memory in itself...something that could have possibly been better, but none the less, absolutely fun.

i feel so in love, like not a thing could go wrong. i'm high on a cloud looking down in the past at myself...a girl who almost couldn't go on.

she was so different than the person i am now. sad and depressed, she couldn't take what was before her. but everything's changed.

she no longer harbors the hate she had for the man who broke her heart...she pities him instead. she's no longer forlorn or broken on the inside. the man of her dreams fixed her perfectly.

the sun shines everyday in my heart even if it rains...and the storms don't scare me anymore...they remind me of a new beginning...a time for lovers to come together in peacefullness while the world is in turmoil.

the love that i hold...the love of millions around the world can't be broken...

and the song i think of...when i think of chris...is simply sweet...and true.

This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Don't know where I am, don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realized how I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up

And you said, "This is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you like me
0 Comments
Mood: special
excellent song: first day of my life- bright eyes

just_jes officially May 5th, 2005 1:54:20 pm - Subscribe

its official.

the best words ever!

"this is the first day of my life, i'm glad i didn't die before i met you..."

that's the song i listened to all last night...and at 1154....it happened.

chris even wrote me a good luck email for my tests today...he's such a sweetie!

i feel blessed.
0 Comments
Mood: lovestruck
excellent song: first day of my life- bright eyes

just_jes howdy howdy howdy May 4th, 2005 10:02:21 am - Subscribe

i'm a bit better

i got new converse, so i retired my old ones...it feels like the end of an era...who knew you could get so emotionally attatched to a pair of shoes?

my blue and yellow converse have been with me through a lot...and well...it was hard to say goodbye...

anyway, i got my grad outfit too.

a royal blue shirt with tan pants and really cool flip flops...my mommy was feeling bad because well...i had a fever yesterday...it was bad...

but i talked to chris...he said i was his favorite girl...i dont want to get my hopes but...but i just cant help myself...

later cowboys
1 Comments
Mood: toxic
excellent song: life is short- butterfly boucher