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It's been a while before posting anything at all.. I've had thoughts about it, but never really did it. That's what happens when you are really lazy. Well, since Tuesday my friend Shawna, from New York has been staying with me. She left at one pm today. It was really fun, I had someone to talk to and keep me busy with something most of the time. We got to go to the mall and blow our money on nothing, drive around for two days, sleep 'till forever... She kept me happy, I wasn't depressed at all, except the last two days.. I was crying really bad after getting onto the computer and talking to some people. I went downstairs so that I could get away from her before she could see that I was upset, and once I did I came back upstairs, to see her standing in the hallway looking at me. I'm not going to say the reason I was crying here in this blog, I know the people who read it and I don't want them to know about it until I'm ready to say something about it, which could be any time. ..I really don't feel like saying anything else right now, and I'm not going to post anything else for this entry.. Bye? |
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... .... I'm starting not to care anymore.. It seems all of the people I find important don't seem to care anymore, either. I'm tired of going out of my way to make people feel special.. They don't even act like they care. I'm tired of crying all of the time. I'm tired of being yelled at. I'm tired of all the things people say to me. I'm tired of being called names. I'm tired of being depressed and feeling like shit. I'm tired of people using me and cheating on me. I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of everything.. ... But the thing I'm most tired of.. Is having my heart broken by everyone I come to fall in love with.. It happens every time.. .... I think this might be the end. I just don't fucking care anymore.. ...No one else does... So why should I? |
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Beh... I told Nicholas I was going to go to bed when he did.. Then I told him, that I wasn't going to because I wasn't tired, but, I lied, I tried to sleep.. I just can't. ..Little boy, it's all your fault! I keep thinking about you non-stop.. It's getting really bad, in a way that I remember every little detail of my dreams that you're in, and I remember every little thing that you say. I feel like I need you around all the time, which I can't have, and, I feel like you don't need me as much as I need you. When you're not around, I'm upset.. But when you come on to say something to me, like you won't be on long because someone is over or something like that, and then you leave, it makes me even more upset because I really don't want you to go.. I'm glad I fell in love with you, and I'm trying not to say or do anything to piss you off enough to make you leave me or say those same things you said when we got into that really bad fight with Amber.. I know I'm stupid, and I say stupid things sometimes.. But, I really don't mean them.. I have so many thoughts right now I can't even think of want to say next and my tears aren't helping me at all at this point.. .. I really really love you, and I can see us being together even when we are older.. But.. That will only happen if you allow it.. I need to go to bed now, it's late.. And I have work in the morning, which you already know about.. So.. I love you, Nicholas.. Sweet dreams and stay safe... <3 Forever and always.. |
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..If you know me, then you already know this. And some of the things I can't wait for are: 1.) Nicholas coming to see me for Christmas Break. <33- If he can, which be better he able to. 2.) Going to Hawaii after winter break. 3.)Summer, which means a road-trip, and I'm probably going to go see Nicholas again. He doesn't know about that yet. And... I'm tired, I have school tomorrow for the first time, and I'm tired, bye. Love you, Nicholas. <3333 |
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.... ....I can't balance out school, work, and my personal life.. ..Right now, I'm an emotional mess.. But, out of all the emotions I feel right now, I feel sorry the most.. I don't know why, but, I think I make peoples' lives much much worse than they already are, no matter what anyone says about it.. When I was at work tonight, I was thinking," Why the Hell am I even here doing all of this?" One answer: For Nicholas. Let's see.. If I didn't have him I wouldn't care about doing good in school, working to have money, or even being alive for that matter. It may seem stupid to say those things, but they are true. I need money for when we are older, and for gas so we can drive to see eachother. I do well in school now so that my dad would allow him to come visit me. And, the only reason I feel like I'm even living is for him.. ... .. I feel so.. I don't know.. I hate myself right now, I'm such a fucking dumbass.. And a crybaby.. I'm leaving now.. Bye. |